Input Needed!!!

Help me Help me Help me!!! It’s my new blog site. I think I finally found a theme I love and I want your input. CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG PULEASE

Ok. I’m obviously not really posting stuff there yet but I realllly wanna start asap. But I really wanted y’alls opinion first. Yay. I’m nervous and excited. Ok gotta go get ready and go out! Have an awesome weekend!!!!

That Reminds Me

Music is incredible. While listening to Billy Joel sing Only the Good Die Young I had some serious flashbacks. The first one was from last night. I went to pick up BFF and something was obviously wrong. She looked sad and completely distracted. I asked her what was wrong.

BFF: Have you heard about the Angels pitcher that was killed in a drunk driving incident early this morning?

Me: Yeah I read about that. It was all over the Internet today. It’s awful.

BFF: Yeah, well, a friend of mine from college was really good friends with him [Nick Adenhart]. He was in the car too…

Me: Oh no…

BFF: And now he’s dead. Just like that.

Me: Oh God. I’m so sorry. Who was it?

BFF: He was best friends with Patrick (we went to high school with Patrick and they ended up going to the same college out west) and we used to hang out all the time.

Me: Jesus. I didn’t even read anything about the other people in the car.

BFF: Yeah that’s b/c it’s like no one cares about who else was in the car. It’s like “Ohh no a MLB player was killed that’s so awful” and it is but it’s just as awful as anyone else dying. Just b/c he plays baseball doesn’t mean his life is more valuable.

Me: You’re right. I can’t believe it. Is Patrick ok?

BFF: No. Everyone is really messed up about it.

Me: How are you doing?

BFF: I dunno. I don’t know how to feel. I’m sad but, first of all, we know way too many people our age who have died. Seriously.

Me: I know. (We estimated around 10. Although I’m sure it’s more.)

BFF: It’s never been one of my best friends though. It’s always someone once removed. Like a best friend of a close friend of mine.

Me: Me too. Chris and Kal were the closest I’ve had to a good friend dying. And I’d only recently been hanging out with Kal. Chris was the worst (I’d known him since I was 5 years old, I used to be in love with him and we hooked up (innocently) during high school) but still, I hadn’t seen him in a year. It was really terrible though.

BFF: This is gonna sound awful but, like all the funerals I’ve been to… they’re awful and sad but… I just look around at everyone grieving and wonder what the hell I would do if it were you: If you died. And I can’t imagine. It makes me feel so lucky that I still have my best friends.

Me: ME TOO! And I look at the families and see the brothers and sisters and think about what I would be feeling if it was my brother who had died. And I can’t even comprehend. I don’t know how they get through it.

BFF: I don’t think you ever really do. Losing a family member or best friend who’s just barely in their 20’s… I don’t think that ever goes away.

Me: I love you so much.

BFF: I love you too so much!

Not to say we aren’t sad at funerals. I’ve been to more than a couple friends’ funerals and I’m always a mess of tears. Everyone is. Everyone hugs and cries afterward and it’s the worst kind of high school reunion. The circumstances are never understandable. It’s never time for someone in their 20’s to die. It’s always unexpected. These were the rest of my flashbacks:

One or two were accidental drug overdoses, two were cold blooded murder- the first ones whole family was shot and killed in their own home- the second (Chris) was sleeping over at a friends house when someone busted in and shot everyone before shooting himself leaving behind only the oldest brother who was hiding in the basement, one fell from a balcony 17 stories high and to this day no one knows if she was pushed or if she just tripped, one was a car accident, one was a sudden brain aneurysm on her way home from college for winter break, at least three were supposed suicide. And the list goes on.

I’m sure you’ve all had friends who have died and it wasn’t their time. It’s not fair. There’s nothing to say to make it better. It sucks. Life is frighteningly temporary. Losing someone puts that sharply in perspective. But also, if we’re lucky, it can make us grateful for what we still do have. We still have our own lives. And we owe it to those who have passed to make the best of it. They would have wanted us to. That’s all I have to say about that. I’ve run out of words.

Let’s Talk About Faith

I grew up in a very Christian household. We went to church twice every Sunday, morning and night, and bible class was in the morning before actual church; we went to that too. Sometimes we even went to church on Wednesday night. Seriously. I never minded going to church until around the age of 16; which is exactly the age I started drinking.

Church in the morning is hell when you’re hungover as fuck. And somehow the preacher would always preach about something completely relevant to what I had done the night before. When you’re sitting on a wooden pew trying your hardest not to puke, your head pounding in your ears, the last thing you wanna hear is someone preach about what a sinner you are. I always felt like he was preaching straight to me.

I kept going though, if only to make my mother happy. Then I went to college. Needless to say, the church going ceased. I was free to make my own decisions without effecting anyone elses feelings. At first I was just so glad to be free that I didn’t even think about what I wanted; I just chose not to go b/c I didn’t have to anymore. Why get up at 8:30 on a Sunday when I can sleep till noon? I found no reason.

I believe in God, I always have. I was baptised at the age of 10 or 11 by my own convictions. Then I was baptised again around the age of 16 b/c I realized that at age 10 or 11, not only did I not really have anything to repent for yet, I had no idea of the magnitude of my decision. I had only been baptised so early b/c I thought it was the right thing to do. So I got dunked again.

My drunken, rebellious college days came to an end and as you all know I moved in with my (ex) boyfriend. Living with a significant other before marriage is the same as murder in my church. Everyone knows you’re having sex and continually sinning against God. It tore my mother apart, literally. It also tore apart the rest of my extended family as well as my church family. But not so fast. This is the problem I have with church.

Instead of simply praying for you and hoping everything goes the way you hope it will (in my case I thought I would ultimately marry the ex or I never would have moved in with him) they gossip. After church everyone talks amongst themselves about the “sinners” who aren’t at church. I was listed as a black sheep. I had fallen off the deep end. The devil had me and people would sigh and just shake their heads like “what a waste”. I know this b/c I’ve been going to the same church since I was a baby. My mom has been going there since she was a child too. My Grandfather helped build that church. I know these people like the back of my hand. Oh and a girl my age I grew up with in the church told me her mom said I’m a black sheep. More proof needed? I don’t think so.

I have a huge problem with this. You sinning hypocrites. Who the fuck do you think you are? Now that I’m back home again do I go to church? No. Why? Honestly, it’s just too early and brunch is so tempting. But also, I don’t need to be judged by people who point their fingers at someone else and never at themselves. We’re all sinners. Just because you go to church doesn’t make you a perfect Christian. No one is a perfect Christian. And they’re all so freagin self-righteous; it’s enough to make you wanna throw up. I know what’s in my heart and I don’t have to explain or justify myself to anyone b/c God already knows. I’ll let him judge me.

I do have faith. I know that there is one God. I believe in the bible. I believe that the bible is a guide: Stories and prophesies that should not be taken literally but, due to the passage of time, are very open to personal interpretation. Therefor I find it hard to find a religion that fits all my beliefs. I’ve done a lot of research on different religions and have come to some conclusions of my own. Everyone thinks that their religion is the right religion. Otherwise they wouldn’t practice it.

I believe that most religions (with the exception of some strange multi-god serving ones & Scientology & Kaballah) have the right idea. I think it’s wrong to say that one religion is right and the others are not. Yes, it’s good to steadfastly hold your own beliefs but you don’t know for sure that your religion is the right one. Really, everyone who believes in God (or whatever your religion calls him) is doing the best they can with what they were taught. I can’t help but be biased toward Christianity b/c that’s how I was raised but I also think that other religions have some interesting ideas and opinions. I don’t necessarily think they are wrong at all. They could be right. I won’t know until I can ask God directly; and by then it’ll be too late.

I think God must know this. He knows everything. He knows what’s in our hearts and he knows what we’re thinking, feeling, etc. He knows that the world has many many religions and I hope he knows that we are just too human to know which one(s) have it all right. We get so caught up in the little things that we’re blind to the big picture. Should churches really split up over a dispute stemming from whether or not to have musical instruments during worship?? Personally I find that absurd. Should churches split over whether to have female church leaders or not? I honestly have no idea. I have no problem with female worship leaders but I have no idea how God feels about it. I know in the bible it says that all leaders will be male but times are so different now. I find it hard to believe that God could be sexist. Women have just as much to offer as men; we are all equals. I understand why churches split, but that’s exactly why I find organized religion to be a bit of hogwash. Each religion is just a variation of the other; and that variation came from a human argument over what God wants us to do. But we don’t KNOW what God wants us to do.

So I just believe. I pray occasionally. I read the bible occasionally (I’ve already read the whole thing during my lifetime… more than once. Thank you bible study.) People know I’m a believer. I’m a Christian. I’m a sinner. I’ll try out a new church here and there. I ask questions. I watch the history channel (it’s so cool sometimes). I have faith that in the end it wont matter how many times we went to church or how steadfast we were in our human interpretation of what is Godly. I believe that God will see us for who we are and what we are, what we’ve done and haven’t done, and what our intentions were; and I believe that he’ll judge us accordingly.

I could be completely wrong and I know that’s a risk I take. Obviously believing isn’t all there is to it; even the Devil believes in God. But if I am wrong, at least I tried. At least I had an earnest curiosity and an eagerness to learn about God and religion. What else can I do? I’m only human. And at this point I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints anyways; the sinners are much more fun.

This post is for This Girl Will Inform You

I Can’t Believe It’s Almost Been A Whole Year

A year ago my life was completely different than it is now. I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment in Atlanta with my dog and the ex. At the time, he obviously wasn’t the ex; he was it. I was literally crazy about him and he was (or had been till this month last year) crazy about me. It sounds alright when said like that but being crazy about each other- at some point… somehow- turned into both of us being totally & legitimately out of control crazy.

I was living in my own hell with an insane boy; and I just couldn’t quit him. I had countless opportunities to walk away; to get out, but I always chose to stay. I had zero self-esteem; he made sure of that every chance he got (basically every second of every day). I had no real job. I worked at a restaurant/sports bar but had only just finished training and had worked maybe 3 shifts. I hated it. I had a phone interview with a Public Relations firm tomorrow (last year) and I was slightly hopeful. I desperately needed a job, my debt was becoming astronomical (almost $20,000).

The fights that the ex and I were having seemed non-stop. He didn’t even believe that I had a job as a waitress and would show up during my shifts to make sure I wasn’t lying. He thought that I was flirting with customers, other waiters, managers, anyone with a penis. He thought that b/c I didn’t answer my phone every time he called or texted I must be cheating on him. Two days from now (last year) I didn’t show up for my scheduled morning shift at the restaurant and only went back the next week to get my paycheck: My pathetic waitress job caused too much stress between me and the ex and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

It was the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life. Thinking that I loved the dog more than I loved him; the ex would hit my 6 pound dog harder than you’d hit a full grown husky. He made my dog yelp and cry on many multiple occasions; just to assert control and to watch me console my pup sobbing while he shouted profanities and threats and looked at us in complete disgust. He had started smoking pot on the regular, which I hated, and was hanging out with a sketchy crowd to say the least. He never went to class but was convinced he was going to ace all his classes. We never went out. Going out meant extreme fighting. He drank constantly. He never remembered what he did or said when he was drinking; so he never really remembered anything.

I was all alone. I had basically one friend in Atlanta. I knew her from college (we’re still good friends). He wouldn’t allow me to make new friends. New friends meant that I was hanging out with and thinking about someone other than him, and that meant I didn’t really love him. The girl he fell in love with was a pretty, bubbly, outgoing, adventurous, driven, fun-loving, popular, easy-going, funny, smart, fit blond. The girl living with him was none of those things. He ruined me to make me more manageable. I would never leave him if I thought no one else would want me. He made sure that I thought I was stupid, boring, worthless, lazy, fat, ugly, pathetic, unloved and insane; by telling me those things every single day. They begin to stick after a while.

The funny thing is, I always knew he was just saying these things b/c he was insecure himself, and I felt bad for him; so I continued to verbally build him up in the hopes that his self-esteem would grow and he wouldn’t feel the need to cut me down all the time. This approach didn’t work… at all. A week after today of last year- 2 days after I almost co-signed on a new car for him, 2 days before my in-person interview with the Public Relations firm, hours after telling me I was the only girl for him and he’d love me forever- he woke me up to dump me at 3am; after he got some… naturally.

My world collapsed at 3am. He left me completely broken. I could barely breathe. The loneliness I experienced that night was indescribable. I had no one. I sat in bed crying uncontrollably, on the verge of a nasty panic attack, while my dog licked at my tears. After an hour or so, when I realized he wasn’t coming back, I called the only person I knew still loved me: My big brother. The chances of him picking up or even waking up at 4am were highly slim to probably none. But he did.

I honestly don’t know where I would be today if my brother hadn’t answered his phone. I was not me back then; I was who the ex had made me and without him I had no idea who I was. I was nothing. I was no one. But my brother answered his phone and all of a sudden I was his little sister again. He loved me, he cared; and I’m pretty sure he saved my life that night.

He told me it was gonna be ok. He told me to call dad in the morning and that he would book me a flight to come home that day. He told me not to worry: Put all my valuables in my car and we would worry about everything else later. He told me he loved me. He told me that the ex breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened. He told me the ex was a loser and medically insane; adding that he must be in order to let someone like me go. He told me he had been so scared for me. He told me he was so happy I was finally coming home. And he told me that everyone else was going to be so happy too. “We’ve missed you so much.”

I fell asleep crying.

The next day everything happened like he said it would. A brief encounter with the ex as I was leaving to go to the airport and I drove away feeling like I was in a movie; complete with sad breakup background music. Of course I remember the song. Right as I put the car in drive and rolled up my window, Rihanna’s newly released “Take A Bow” started playing on the radio. It was the first time I’d ever heard the song.

The timing was unreal. It was perfect. He really did put on quite a show. He really had me going. And now it’s time to go. The curtain’s finally closing. I knew this was right. I knew he’d be the one looking back with regrets. I knew that I’d make it somehow. I started breathing more evenly. I stopped crying. I called my BFF.

After I told her what was going on and she promised she’d come back to Atlanta with me to help me move my stuff out she said, “Oh thank you God my best friend is back!” I said, “Well, I’m not back yet.” To which she replied, “No, I mean you. It’s really you! I know you’re sad but the whole time you were with him you never sounded like yourself; you were someone else, and I couldn’t get to her and I thought I had lost my best friend forever but now you’re back! I can tell, you sound different; you sound like you used to sound. I’ve missed you so much, you don’t even know!”

That was the beginning of me realizing that I had been in a totally fucked up, controlling and abusive relationshit. I’m not gonna lie, it took a little while to realize that the person I loved didn’t really exist. It was just so hard to wrap my head around. I loved him unconditionally for a year and a half almost and it wasn’t real. That really fucks with your brain. To think you could be fooled for so long; brainwashed and completely controlled and not even know it. I thought it was passion. I thought it was true love. It was crap. It was the descriptive paragraph under “reasons for prescribing schizophrenic medication”, which he started (and stopped) taking 2 weeks before the break up (he said he didn’t like the way they made him feel… I’m guessing the feeling was normalcy, and he didn’t know how to deal with normal).

The first night I went out in DC after I got home I thought I would be fine; I thought I would have a lot of fun. At first I did. The bouncer said I looked a lot happier than I had last time he saw me (we used to frequent that bar a lot) and told me I looked awesome. I smoked a cig outside when a a girl I’ve been friends with since 3rd grade walked up and squealed when she saw me; I jumped on her and gave her a big hug. She said, “YES you’re back!! I knew you’d get rid of that fucking loser asshole and come back to us some day!” I told her he dumped me. She said, “Well fucking good. Who cares who dumped who? At least it’s over. He was fucking crazy!” We laughed. He was fucking crazy. Everything was fine until the vodka hit me.

I had one and a half drinks and was totally wasted thanks to the break-up diet I was unknowingly on. It consisted of eating basically nothing b/c chewing was too much work. Food was completely unappealing. That night after only maybe an hour I ended up bawling uncontrollably and BFF took me to the small office in the back of the bar and told me not to move. I didn’t wanna move. I just wanted to die. She  reappeared 10 minutes later with pizza in hand. She said the other girls had suggested pizza b/c they had guessed I hadn’t eaten in over a week (based on my appearance and pathetic consumption of alcohol). I didn’t want it but I ate a few bites to make her happy and we got in a cab and went home. Friends texted telling me they loved me and that it would be ok. I knew they were right; I just didn’t know when it would finally be ok again.

Thankfully, our 3 week family trip to Hawaii was 2 weeks after the break up. God must have known I would need that. The BFF and I had gone back to get my things so that was all over with. I had just changed my phone number so that the ex would stop texting and calling me and I was so ready for a break from life. I was down to about 105 pounds on my medium built 5′4 frame and my face looked freagin huge in comparison. I’d never been that skinny before. My clavicle was completely visible as was my breast bone and my hip bones stuck out like a really sore thumb. I was wearing a double zero. The cruise was a blessing. I finally started eating again and it was so nice to be away from cell phones and society.

I guess it took a month or two of mourning till I was ok. I healed surprisingly fast. I didn’t grieve consistently b/c life wouldn’t allow it. The cruise was more healing than hurting but a few weeks after that when I started “dating” someone new the grief came back ten fold. I obviously wasn’t ready to date yet. The break up happened at the perfect time though; right before summer, and I fucking love me some summer. It was the best summer I’ve ever had. I loved being single. I still love being single.

All of a sudden here I am, a whole year later. I’m employed, almost out of debt, at a healthy weight, looking at apartments on Saturday and most of all I’m happy. I’m so fucking happy it’s ridiculous. I’m happy just to be alive. I’m happy I get to be myself every second of every day. The ex breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened. When I think about the ex now I laugh. It was a lesson learned the hard way but it was worth it. I feel no love for him, only pity. I got out, and I got on with my life. Yes, he’s the only boy to ever break up with me but… he’s crazy… so that kinda validates it for me. Crazy people don’t count. I just thank the lord I didn’t get preggers with crazy boys child. Thank. You. God. Anyways, I’m super close to my brother now and I have more friends than I ever could have asked for. I’m blessed. It’s amazing how fast a year can fly by and it’s even more amazing how much can change in just one little year.The possibilities for next year are endless. Who knows what’ll happen next? =)

I was def not planning on writing that much at all. It’s 9pm and I’m still at the office. Jeebus that was intense. Sorry about that guys, I got a little out of control on this post. It happens.

This Makes Me Happy

A guy from my highschool just commented on a picture of me, BFF, .5 and Caylie (friend from highschool who just moved back into the area. BFF, Caylie and I were basically the 3 musketeers in early highschool years). He wrote,

“It’s amazing y’all have managed to stay such good friends all these years… I have like no friends from highschool, I is well jealous.”

And he should be. I am ridiculously lucky to have such amazing friends that have known me for the better part of my life. It just makes me smile. They’re the reason I stay in DC. Friends like mine are irreplaceable and hard if not impossible to find. I was blessed when I moved back home after the ex incident and became sisterly close to Juicy. We lived basically next to each other for 3 years in college but didn’t become good friends until we were both back home.

There’s something very cohesive about a home town; a sense of security. Not everyone knows you but everyone knows someone else who knows you, and I find that very comforting. It’s like an instant common ground or understanding. No one is really a stranger in the town you grew up in and even if you move far away it will always be your hometown. It’s exactly like the OAR I Feel Home song:

There are few things pure in this world anymore,
and home is one of the few.
We’d have a drink outside,
maybe run and hide if we saw a couple men in blue.
To me it’s so damn easy to see
that true people are the people at home.
Well, I’ve been away but now I’m back today,
and there ain’t a place I’d rather go.
I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own.
I feel home,
when I’m chilling outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that’s just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need is something real.

Feeling alright, heading out tonight,
maybe out to a dark driveway.
I say now some feel bored,
and some are looking for more.
Well, we all just decide to stay.
We got nothing to do,
and I look at you
I see something that I know and love.
and with the crack of a smile we all stay a while
we know from home there ain’t nothing above.

Well in the end we can all call a friend
well that’s something I know as true.
And then a thousand years and a thousand tears
I’ll come finding my original crew

cause to me throughout eternity
there’s somewhere where you’re welcome to go
I said it’s something free that means a lot to me
when I’m with my friends I feel home.

I feel home,
when I see the faces that remember my own
I feel home,
when I’m chilling outside with the people I know.
I feel home,
and that’s just what I feel.
Home to me is reality,
and all I need something real
Home to me is reality,
and all I need something real

I feel home.

Words of Encouragement

Some words can make all the difference. Encouraging words coming from someone you look up to can change your whole outlook and open your eyes to possibility. Hostile words can be emotionally damaging and hinder you from progress. The last 24 hours has been full of people giving me their 2 cents concerning my life and the path I’m on. And no, I didn’t fucking ask for it.

I was hanging out with my brother last night at his place. Oh btw, he just got dumped last week by the girl he was planning on marrying one day; so he’s not in the best of spirits. So he’s all depressed and “ohhh what am I gonna do now? What will I ever do without her? What am I doing with my life?” When out of the blue, he fucking turns on me, the little sister who is out at midnight to console her big bro, and says,

“Well you’re never gonna be happy unless you get a different job, you know you hate that job. You don’t do any work there anyways! You do nothing. You’ve gotta figure out what you’re doing with your life. Ya know you can’t live at home forever.”

I’m completely taken aback. His roommate is sitting in the same room so I can’t scream at him. And I didn’t want to. He’s just projecting his own miserableness onto me. But still, it hurt. He knows I don’t plan on living at home much longer. And seriously? Guess where he lived till he was 26…. My grandmothers house. So fucking gimmie a break. You live in a condo that belongs to DAD. Yes it is quite a shame dad doesn’t have two condos and fuck you brother for being allergic to my dog so I can’t live there.

Then this morning, I guess I deserved this, I didn’t get up till 11 and instead of throwing on clothes and going to work; I went downstairs in my pjs and had some cereal and sat in the sun (like a dog). My mom’s in the same room and she held her tongue for a good 20 minutes before she said anything about work. Then she basically said the same thing my brother said; except she offered “brilliant” solutions. AKA telling me all about all of her friends’ kids and the wonderful jobs they have that they just Love. NOT helpful. Then she tells me I must be very depressed b/c otherwise why would I be lying on the couch when I should be at work.

Getting ready for work I was not very happy. I was wallowing in depression. I got to work around noon. I went to get coffee and of course, it’s gone, b/c who drinks coffee for lunch? Then Sue walks in. I love Sue. I’ve known her since I was 10 years old? Maybe even younger. She’s just a lot of fun for an older person and has a sarcastic sense of humor which I love. Oh and she always tells me how awesome I look. Which I also love.

As I’m getting water she asks me how the dating life is going and I tell her dating is lame so it’s not going… anywhere. Then she says well, what are you gonna do just live with your parents your whole life? And I look at her and say hell no to which she replies,

“I didn’t think so, you never seemed like the kind of person to do that. You’ve always struck me as someone who is gonna go really far once you figure out where you wanna go. And don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. I know you will.”

I almost cried. Just a few encouraging  words in a storm of negativity made all the difference. Why must people always be so negative? Instead of building you up they want to point out your flaws. Its just unnecessary. I’m already aware of my flaws. I know I don’t like my job. I know I really wanna move into my own place. I know this isn’t what I was born to do. Why cant more people be like Sue? Instead of causing me to wallow in my pathetic depressing life; her words gave me hope.

Wherever you are in your life right now; I hope you know that you have the potential to achieve anything: To achieve everything. I don’t even know most of you, but I know you can do it. We all have it in us to be amazing; we’ve just have to figure out who or what we want to be.

Happy Monday!

I Didn’t Get In This Line

Shit...

Today was the biggest emotional roller coaster I’ve been on in a really really long time. Since the ex, I’ve kind of been totally emotionally numb (except for, of course, famous boy. But famous boy emotions are only felt by me. Stupid famous boy.) I haven’t had to have an emotional talk with someone in FOREVER. I’m awful at them. I just can’t really get into them. I’m like, too cool for emotional talks.

This is not good when you need to have an emotional talk with a friend. A best friend. Kendra means so much to me. God that sounds super corny awful. So I called her a few times, left a few really bad lengthy babbling messages, texted once or twice; and then I got stuck. Now what the fuck do I do? I feel like my boyfriend just broke up with me or something. It’s creepy. I’m like stalking her.

So today I forgot my phone under my pillow. Dammit. I was half naked all day. But it was kind of nice. I had happy hour with 0.5 at Chilis and after 2 doubles (she had 4, God bless her) we called it a night. I was perfectly tipsy and totally distraught about the Kendra situation. I put myself in her shoes, listened to some sad country music, started crying and made a u-turn to head out to her house. Unannounced. With no real plan at all.

Best thing I could have done I think. Kendra really is the shit and she’s going through the worst time right now. She said Daniel was naming people he’d hooked u with just to piss her off and she didn’t give a shit till he said my name and then she started crying. She said she didn’t believe it at all. I crushed her. Tonight was the best/worst/most cleansing night ever. I haven’t cried that hard since God knows when.

So she needs time. She loves me, we’ll be Ok, she just needs time and she wont be able to look at me the same or trust me the same way again. We really are in a relationship. I hope to God it goes back to normal. I think that it will, I just may have to change; for the better of course. Like not hook up with guys my friends are in love with. I think that’s a good rule.

“Some strangers become more important to you than family, maybe because you’re not expected to love them. You can leave them whenever you want to. Every moment together is a choice.”

I’d say my friends are like my family; not more important, but just as. I chose them. I love them. And I guess it is kind of romantical, in a non-sexual way obviously.

Quarter-life Crisis

These past few days I’ve been having a major quarter-life crisis. WTF am I doing with my life??? This is NOT what I had in mind when I used to think of myself at (almost) age 25.  My job is boring with a capital B. I hate hate hate it. I hate being in a cube, being in an office, being at a desk, sitting on my ass all day. I’m literally wasting away under these horrid fluorescent lights. It’s gotten me thinking. Some seriously serious thinking. I’m thinking of joining the Navy.

This could be me soon

Only cuter… obviously. Why not? Ya know? I’ll get some extremely serious exercise. Something I’ve been craving for a while but can’t find the time or discipline for. I’ll get to travel, a lot. I think I might want to go to aviation school and become a Navy pilot.

How cool is that?!??!? Seriously not your average day job. How exciting would that be!? I’d never thought about it before. And now, I’m totally contemplating it.

I’d go in as an officer since I’ve graduated college. It just sounds really exciting. And I have been craving excitement for a long time. My mom’s not too happy, she thinks I’ll be called to war or something. Which is the only really sucky thing I can think of about joining the Navy.

My dad said he’d be really proud. Of course he would; he’s been saying his little baby’s gonna “fly jets off aircraft carriers” since I was ten years old. But maybe he was right? Maybe I will.

Thoughts on Obama’s Speech. Live.

• Why do I care about the people who bought houses they can’t afford and spent money they don’t have? I wouldn’t give them a dollar if they asked for it in person… why are you trying to take my money and give it to other people to spend???!? I’m trying to SAVE thank you  very much.
• Our President must be on massive amounts of anti-anxiety meds.
• It’s not his fault. He inherited this shit debt. Obvious answer to ridiculous debt: Spend a shit ton of money (that we don’t have)… WTF is he gonna say in 4 years? “It’s not my fault… this was all your idea?”
• “Hippie” leadership makes me wanna throw a Wii controller at  Obama’s head the TV.
• Please God stop saying, “Create millions of jobs”.
• Why does Obama think that the world is a bowl full of cherries? We CANT all get along. It will never ever happen. You sound stupid.
• Notice how he doesn’t answer the question… he just goes on a tangent of things that seeeem to be related to the question but aren’t at all.
• I didn’t realize the brainwashing effect that GW Bush had over Washington. Now that Obama is in office, “the last 8 years” has become more like a Cult… Who writes this shit? Does Obama realize that doing the complete opposite of whatever Bush would do does NOT mean you’re doing the right/smart thing??? “Bush would hate it” is NOT a good reason to push a bill through Congress asap.
• Obama sounds like a Cult leader. A stuttering Cult leader.
• People with bad credit are not victims of bad Government… they’re victims of their own irresponsible spending. Since when is it the Government’s job to kiss it and make it better? How does taking from the rich and giving to the stupid fix anything?
• This is going to be the next civil war. Seriously people. No joke.
• “What we need… is more credit” WHAT!? What we need is a Schoolhouse Rock video about responsible spending and saving. Credit is NOT the answer. Helllllllllo even greater depression.
• Go fix Chicago and then get back to me.
• A South Carolina High School  built in the 1800’s? “Kids still learn here. It’s next to the train tracks and they have to wait for trains to pass to continue teaching.” Um ok… sooooo what’s your point? Historical buildings should be torn down? Kids cant learn in buildings more than 20 years old? We shouldn’t use trains anymore? Why isn’t the county down there putting money into their school systems like ours is? Why can’t Democrats take responsibility for anything?
• The Government is there to GOVERN the Nation. Not CHANGE THE NATION.
• “Old habits are hard to break”. If Obama didn’t suggest it, it’s an “old habit”. It’s not cool. This Government only does what’s cool.
• It’s starting to sound like Obama (not Congress, the House) runs the United States of America. Jesus Christ we’re doomed. Maybe Germany will bail us out in a few years. Now that would be irony.
• “Eternal optimist”…  Me too… Does that make me a good National leader????
• More questions now than I had before. I wish I could call Obama directly and say,”I know what you’re trying to do. And it’s stupid. It’s not going to work so STOP it. I think you’re more suited for legalizing marijuana; NOT saving the world. Two years ago I didn’t believe the world was going to end in 2012… now, thanks to you, I can totally see that happening. You’re ruining half of America’s life. Screw the other half, they ruined there own lives. You cant make everyone happy. A good re-election strategy is to keep the wealthy happy. Just so you know. God help us (and NO by God I do NOT mean you).”

America: We Don’t Work Hard B/C Barack Said We Don’t Have To

You all know this is not a political blog. Obviously. However. I’ve been having mini panic attacks the past few weeks over the leadership and direction of our Nation. It’s very unlike me. It’s like I’m Ann Coulter’s kid sister or something. Although I loved her before, now I completely understand her. I also kind of idolize her. You go Ann!

USA Today: At a news conference, Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs spoke about Hilda Solis’ husband not paying his taxes and then added, “The White House believes that if you owe taxes you should pay them.”

…

Republicans everywhere: Yeah um… you should believe that… I mean… It is the law and all. Being the White House one would think that you believe in abiding the laws that you passed. You also said that you go to jail if you don’t pay them. That’s why we have accountants… b/c we’re good law abiding citizens. 

Bitter sarcastic Republicans everywhere (myself included): NO SHIT. You don’t say!?!? We’re supposed to PAY our TAXES?!? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS? I HAD NO IDEA! WTF ARE TAXES ANYWAYS? When do we do this “pay taxes” that you speak of?

Democrats everywhere: Oh… Well shit. I’m sorry. I messed up. Should I pay them now? Is that Ok?

NO you stupid Democrats it is NOT Ok! FOUR of Obama’s committee selections have now been investigated for tax evasion. And that’s not even counting Caroline Kennedy. Don’t even get me started on that woman. One of these four is currently being investigated/questioned due to her husband basically ruining her career (husbands ruining wives lives… what else is new?) Two of those four withdrew, and one… one is now our fucking Treasury secretary!

Fabulous. That’s just perfect. Normal people go to jail and their lives are ruined b/c of not paying their taxes…  Timothy Geithner gets to be the Treasury Secretary. I almost threw up watching him apologize like that on National television.

I mean, is this for REAL?? Is this really our White House now? THESE are our LEADERS??? Corrupt, pathetic, naive, blubbering puppy dogs?!?

Don’t agree with me? Ok, that’s fine.

Ever heard of the phrase “You dress for the position you aspire to have, not the one you have.” ?

I have. I’ve been told that my whole life. Suits (with a tie for men) mean business. As my dad says, “This is not a flip flop world girl.” To which I always respond, “But I love flip flops! Who cares what you wear on your feet?! They’re comfy!”

Well. Now I understand… 1. Why my dad is a republican, 2. Why he wears suits at the office (yes, everyday) and 3. Why he tried to instill in me the same values.

Under Bush, The White House was formal: Suits, ties, everything was orderly, everyone was on time, etc. Obama moves into the White House and boom: No more coats required. That’s all fine and well, but sir… Mr. Obama… You’re setting an example. FOR THE WORLD.

Bush got to the oval office at 7am. Obama gets there around 9-ish.

Meetings don’t start or end on time anymore like they did with Bush.

Casual weekend wear. Yes, jeans… in the White House. Hell I’ll work there. Obama likes to wander the halls? Even better! Maybe I’ll run into him and I’ll be all, “What up Barack how’s the fam?” And he’ll answer b/c he’s cool like that and it doesn’t matter if he’s late to that meeting and then we’ll eat ice cream together and I’ll help his family pick out the perfect puppy and maybe we’ll even be facebook friends or something and he’ll tell me unicorns really do exist and I’ll say I KNEW it all along! God I love you Barack. You Da MAN!!!

HELLO!!!!

WAKE UP PEOPLE!! WAKE UP!

Snap out of it you idiots. This is a slippery slope if I ever saw one.

What has he done so far and what is proposed?… hmmm.  Welll, I heard him call Jessica Simpson fat. Annnnd ummm OH he thinks the NCAA should have a playoff system and gave a shoutout to Tim Tebow. Then he said he screwed up appointing all those corrupt people… And thennnn umm oh now I remember. That over 800 BILLION Dollar Stimulus Plan thingy he’s trying to get to pass. Yeah. That.

That’s kind of an incomprehensible amount of money. Where the hell is it coming from? And WTF are the details of this plan anyways??? B/c I can’t find them ANYWHERE.

We already know his campaign promise. Tax the rich more. B/c I mean, It’s not like they worked their ASSES off for that money or anything. Nah, it was probably just given to them by God or something. Barack’s very religious ya know.

THEN, we’ll give it to people who don’t have jobs, who are in massive debt (by no fault of their own obviously) and who DON’T PAY TAXES. Take money from the responsible people and give it to the ones who are irresponsible. That totally makes sense.

American Dream? You just fucked the ones who already made it and were living it. There is no American Dream anymore. You killed it. What you’re saying is, “We’re all equals, we should all suffer together. Life will suck but at least we’ll have each other.”

I say, “Fuck That.”

Obviously they want to raise taxes. Go ahead, why not?? They don’t give a shit. Democrats don’t pay they’re taxes anyways!

How much does the president make again? I believe it’s $400,000. He also receives an expense account (currently $50,000); a non-taxable travel account (currently $100,000), and an entertainment account (currently $19,000). So, taxable income is $469,000….

Isn’t it interesting Barack and Scumbag Timothy Geithner placed a $500,000 salary cap on top executives at companies that accept large chunks of future government bailout money. Hmmm… well, that still seems like a serious amount of money. But at least it’s not at much as the President makes! Can you imagine the uproar if he made a salary cap that was less than what he was earning?!? Hopefully even the Liberally controlled media would pick up on that one… “President places salary caps on all companies/corporations/etc. President now has the largest yearly income in the Country.” That would just not be very Democratic now would it?

Democrats are just a bunch of actors. Not even good ones! They’re just lucky the rest of the “liberals/moderates/undecided/swing voters are awful judges of character and of acting ability. They want you to think that they’re your bff but really they are using you. Using you to get what they want. They are all greedy lying whores.

SERIOUSLY. PLEAAAASE WAKE UP PEOPLE.

Salary caps? Next up, National Health care: Where doctors don’t work hard b/c they don’t have to.

That should be America’s new slogan:

America: We don’t work hard because Barack said we don’t have to.

I really really like it. It rolls off the tongue like cream cheese. If you like cream cheese.

Ok so maybe you’re pissy at me by this point. But please, even if you disagree with EVERYTHING I’ve said…

Check this out

No really, Please GOD go to that site. You may shit yourself.

B/c I almost did. Members of Congress Fucking Twittering WHILE IN SESSION. Twitter… with my Congressman. No, no. You aren’t Twittering with them, you just get to read what they’re doing. You get to know asap all the retarded decisions they’re making and it makes you realize how freagin psychologically impaired most of congress is. They are brainwashed. They aren’t “following” you. They don’t give a shit about you. I would say that maybe it would be an interesting concept if you could respond to the Tweets of your Congressman or send them direct messages. But, of course, you can’t do either of those things. Twitter Congress is enough to drive you crazy.

Jesus. It’s enough to make me want to write a nasty letter (b/c really… what else can I do?) The world has fucking lost it.

I feel like someone should jump out of a cake soon tell me I’m being Punked.

Because right now, I feel like Justin Timberlake when he thought that Dax was really repossessing his house and belongings.

Where the fuck is Ashton!??!

I’m gonna call my mom and cry now.