New Fav Word & Website: Snoburbia

So there’s this website that sells really incredible t-shirts. It’s called Snoburbia. Their slogan is Snoburbia, t-shirts for the overclass.

I came across it going through google reader this afternoon. ShirtSnob wrote a little ditty about it. I was curious to see the other t-shirts so I checked out the site.

GO CHECK OUT SNOBURBIA NOW! Or, of course, after you read the rest of this post.

As I’m looking through the t-shirt designs I start to get really really excited: A good number of the t-shirts are geared toward… LA? Nope. NY? Uh Uh. Your town? Not unless you live where I live; in the super fantastic Snoburbs of Washington, DC!

I do a little “my city/suburb is so fucking radical” dance in my chair. I click on the Snoburbs tee to pick my suburb and order a shirt. I open the tab with the suburbs choices… pause… re-check… pause… think Pooh think! Where is it??!? I refresh the page. My suburb is still a no-show. I’m mildly upset and very confused. I decide I’m gonna write them a letter (e-mail, same thing). So I do.

(I didn’t actually write the opening line in my email, but I think it’s a good opening line (it’s in black). The rest of the email (in blue) is exactly as I wrote it.) Oh and DMV= the District, Maryland & Virginia. We have cool codes here

To whom it may concern,

I just found your site and I love it!! I was looking at your “suburbia” or “snoburbia” T’s and don’t understand why you chose almost all Maryland suburbs. Everyone knows the VA side of DC is way better and Alexandria and Arlington are hardly where the snobs live. The point of this email: I am in desperate need of a “McLean” t-shirt. In Desperate Need.

I also think that you’d sell a ton of McLean t-shirts, since I’m obviously not the only person that lives here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to tell you what to do or how to run your business. Not even close. I’m just throwing out suggestions that I think would be profitable. Do I have other suggestions? I’m so glad you asked! I do! 1) Great Falls. I was totally surprised that this suburb wasn’t already on the list. I mean, it’s like the snobbiest of the snobby. Seriously. Great Fallsians (made up word) think they are God’s gift to the DMV. 2) Langley. I’m aware that Langley isn’t exactly a suburb (no post office) but they do have a snobby ass high school (full of Great Falls “gifts”). They also have the CIA. I’d buy a Langley shirt as well as a McLean shirt. Technically (or non-technically since it’s not a real place) I live in both.

And what about tank tops? Like wife-beaters and spaghetti strap tanks? Are you gonna start selling any of those anytime soon? Because that would be great.

Okay, that’s all. Thanks for listening! I really really hope to see these snoburbs soon!!!! A+ on your website though; such a great idea. The OBX and SUV shirts are just incredible. I wish I could buy an OBX: Obnoxious bumper sticker and replace the normal OBX one I have now. Possibly in the future of snoburbia???? Again, just an idea.

Sincerely,

Me (obviously I wrote my real name)

To my surprise, they responded within the hour. Yeah. How’s that for awesome customer service? I even got a personalized, semi-lengthy email filled with wit and smiley’s and everything. I was impressed. Here’s what they wrote…

Hi (Me) -

While I disagree with your general premise : ), I think you are right that I need to offer more Va. snoburbs. I chose Arlington and Alexandria because they are more populous, but I have been getting some requests for McLean and Great Falls. So I’ll add them to the site – probably in the next week or two - and send you an email when they are added.

I will be adding hoodies, long-sleeve shirts and messenger bags in the future, but not in the next few months. Thanx for your input about tanks – I will certainly think about that. Also thanx for the OBX bumper sticker – I had considered it, but may rethink it.

I will also, begrudgingly, add a Virginia > Maryland version of my Md. > Va. tee… : )  I will also probably add a Michigan/Ohio and Louisiana/Texas series.

Also, as you love [italics!] my site, I hope you’ll send the link to a few friends, or tell your local newspaper or magazine about it or “become a fan” of snoburbia.com on Facebook! We’re brand new and really need the exposure. Bethesda Magazine is featuring us in its July/Aug issue, but I can’t seem to crack the Washington Post!

Thanx for your nice remarks. I’ll be in touch soon!!

Lydia

http://snoburbia.com – t-shirts for the overclass

It may be the best email exchange I’ve ever had. I guess I can overlook the fact that she’s obviously from Maryland. She is, after all, making the t-shirt I wanted and even one I didn’t ask for but will totally buy. VA is so much better than MD. I cant wait! I also adore the fact that she slightly poked fun of my abundant italics use. It’s true, I do love italics. And she said begrudgingly… I freagin love that word. What a great job she has; I’m jealous. I may have to look into working for them. You should go look into the t-shirts though. They also have a Blog you should check out. I’m checking it out right now. =)

Over The Rainbow

I’m speechless. And honestly I feel a little more than silly writing about this. So haters, wipe that judging face off your head b/c aside from speechless; I’m also ecstatic. I’m happier than a Michael Vick pup adopted by a loving family. I’m over the rainbow (no gold in sight yet, but still… being over a rainbow is pretty awesome. The skittles here taste amazing). “Why?”  You ask. I’ll tell you why: Tanner Cooley read my blog.

I dunno about you, but it never occurred to me while writing all of my previous posts that anyone and everyone had access to them. I mean, I knew I made my blog open to public search so yeah I guess I knew anyone could read it… and I wanted anyone and everyone to read it. I guess I just never thought that my little blog would pop up on Tanner’s search engine and that he would actually click on the link and read it. But that’s exactly what happened. I’m feeling totally major right now. Tanner, I hope this doesn’t embarrass you… but I’m about to brag on you for a sec. Sorry in advance if you blush; I’m sure you’re an adorable blusher.

Tanner Cooley is Chris Cooley’s younger bro. He lives in the area with his hot lil wife, Kirsten, whom he met while living and going to school in Utah. Tanner is a super blogger. He basically runs The Official Blog of Chris Cooley and he completely runs The Eastern Motors Blog. If you aren’t from around here I doubt you’ll understand the significance of Eastern Motors. If you are from here then you know: At Eastern Motors… Your Jobs Your Credit. Redskins star in hilarious Eastern Motors commercials and get awesome deals on sick cars. Being the Eastern Motors blogger is a really sweet ass job and Tanner is an amazing blogger/writer. Him and his wife also have their own family blog, The Cooley’s, which Kirsten seems to pretty much run but Tanner’s written some posts as well. I obviously did some serious research. He’s a busy busy blogging boy.

Tanner didn’t just read my blog; he actually liked it. He liked it enough to comment on it. I got an email last night on my blackberry about a new comment on my blog but I didn’t check it out right away… I was watching Chelsea Lately. That girl’s hilarious. After the show when I realized nothing good was on TV anymore, I opened the new comment email. Then I almost had a premature heart attack when I saw who the comment was from. I am not ashamed. You would have done the same thing and you know it.

Think about it… How many times have I written about Chris Cooley? Multiple. What is usually the topic of discussion in Chris Cooley posts? My dreams… and how he’s always in them. What do I sound like when you read all my Chris Cooley posts? An obsessed, star-struck Redskins fanatic: Aka the girl version of a tool or maybe something not as harsh as a tool but along the lines of a groupie or schmuck. Schmuck works. I sound like a schmuck. A cute schmuck… but a schmuck all the same.

I don’t even read the comment in the email. I have to see what post he commented on and I’m too flustered to realize that all that info is in the email. I dash to my computer and pull up WordPress. The comment is on Dreams & Reality from March 16. I quickly re-read the whole post to make sure I didn’t write anything completely humiliating. It’s not too too bad. So I read the comment: Tanner loves my writing (say wha?!?), yeah, not done. He also thinks I’m very funny (think of the most smug look you can imagine… and now imagine that look on my face). I wish I could think of a better way to say this… but I cant: I’m on cloud 9.

He also read other posts b/c he’s glad I liked the shorts. I love the shorts. And the hat (1st pic). And the sweatpants. And the Cooley’s for being as cool as I knew they probably were. And thank you Tanner for reading and commenting. You made me smile big time. =) I might still be smiling… but I’m not going to confirm that b/c I don’t wanna sound like a schmuck.

One more thing… Thank you God that my Chris Cooley dreams are never sexual. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Phew. Bullet dodged: Matrix style.

Soccer Moms Can Suck It

People are too sensitive. Pathetic little whiners who can’t take a joke; even a really really really funny one. I was ghcatting with a friend and he sent me a link to the article/email that I’m now writing about. He’s always sending me incredible links. This one is by far my favorite; so lets get to it.

Michael Kinahan is the (former) coach of  the 6 & 7-year-old girls soccer team in Scituate, Massachusetts fabulously named “Green Death“. Seriously. He resigned as coach before the season even started due to the following (amazing) email he sent to parents as a way to introduce himself.

Just read it. Read ALL of it. The beginning of the email might seem mundane but KEEP READING! Trust me. It is so worth it. My favorite lines in the email I’ve made bold so you don’t miss (what I think are) the best parts and the simply genius remarks I’ve made bold & italic. You’re welcome. Ok…  ready to laugh your ass off? I freagin hope so.

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies. Chris Mac will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry to return to the sidelines. Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM. There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours. All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School. Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required. A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices. There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place. If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email). Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct. After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc. We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable. Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of. My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently. According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!

These parents have NO sense of humor. I personally adore the clever Michael Vick reference and laugh out loud at the mention of drug testing 6 year-olds. How is that not funny?!? I just don’t get it. Bar Stool Sports, however, did get it. They’ve already made a t-shirt out of it… and I want it really really bad.

Front

Back

Best t-shirt ever. Love it. Anyways, soo the parents complained to the league causing Coach K to resign. His resignation letter can be found here. And I think it’s a pretty admirable letter. The guys got class. (That’s also the site I copied the whole email from)

I would have loved to have had this guy as my soccer coach. Or at least a mentor or something. Stupid Scituate soccer league.

Thoughts anyone?? Go Coach K… or No Coach K? Buy the t-shirt or burn the t-shirt?

I’m actually being a busy honey bee at work today. I know; shocker. I have lots to tell but no time to write at the moment. I do have time to post my new favorite commercial though. It made me laugh my ass off and rewind to watch it 5 times. It also kind of makes me want a Heineken… I guess that means their advertising department is doing a super fab job. The guys faces are freagin priceless.

More Kristen Stewart to Put in Your Pipe… and Smoke

According to my blog stats a lot of y’all are totally butt ass crazy over Kristen Stewart, Twilight, Rob Pattinson and related things of that nature. Seriously, my blogs top searches are:  robert pattinson smoking,  robert pattinson smoke,  bella smoking,  robert pattinson and kristen stewart smoking,  kristen stewart boyfriend. That’s it. That’s all of them. You Twilight loving freaks of fucking nature. You only read me for my occasional Twilight references. How Rude!

Well, what the public wants, the public shall get; when I feel like giving it to them… like I do right now. The Twilight cast is all about some smoking. Look for Kristen Stewart (or possibly Nikki Reed) to appear in future Marlboro ads (not really… but maybe)

Cigs make me look like SUCH a bad ass

Her shirt. Is. Incredible. “Pardon me but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn”. Kristen Stewart, I fucking love you.

Smokey K with Tay

Who else could pull off shoes like that? Anyone?? No I didn’t think so.

Kristen’s not the only puffer in the group. Nikki Reed’s a fan of fags as well.

I'm bad ass too!! I really am!! Seriously guys!!

She’s also apparently a fan of jeans that do not flatter. And of really ugly belts.

Is it bad that this picture makes me want a cig? ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT!!!

Please look at her neon green skeleton gloves. Who is this girl? Is she even carrying a purse?? I don’t think she is. Kristen Stewart is (in my opinion) the fucking shit.

I want to raid her closet, say hey to her friend Mary Jane and walk arm in arm smoking fags while talking about how awesome we are and maybe even shopping for our next pair of matching sunglasses. It will be amazing. How do I become bff with her. HOW?

(All photos were taken off set in Vancouver where they are shooting New Moon)

I Heart The LFL

BEHOLD: The Lingerie Football League

Many of you may laugh your asses off at this but I am totally intrigued. When are tryouts coming to my area?!? Gosh my parents would be so proud. You should definitely read up on this. It May Just Blow Your Mind. What a brilliant idea (besides the fact that the combination of pads and lingerie looks retarded).

Do they know how ridiculous they look?

This really happened. Seriously.

I think tight pants and crop tops woulda been much cuter; but then I guess they wouldn’t be called the Lingerie Football League… maybe they would be the Sexy Football League. I know, that’s a lame name. Y’all got any better ideas? I can’t decide if this is totally degrading & sad or if it’s simply fucking fabulous. I’m torn.

Check out Some of the teams… and their incredible team names…

San Diego Seduction

Denver Dream

Please tell me you noticed that the girls in the 2 posters are..ahem… identical. Classic.It doesn’t get any better than this. Really.

Seattle Mist

Yup… Saaame girls.

Other teams include Tampa Breeze, Chicago Bliss, Los Angeles Temptation, Dallas Desire, New England Euphoria, Miami Caliente and Atlanta Steam.

Their promos also use the same girls. Naturally. They must be the hottest girls in the league. If they play at all.

Seattle Mist has to be one of my favorites. How creative is that?!? I also really like the logo for Dallas Desire… it’s not one star (b/c that would be just totally copying the Cowboys) it’s a buncha stars; b/c that’s like, totally different than just one star. Totally.

I’m waiting for a team to start up in my wonderful hometown of Washington DC. I’ve come up with some tentative names for our future team. Please vote on your fav.

You’re Not Sorry

This is why people break up. Seriously this is the most amazing song I think I’ve ever heard. I’m obsessed. If people never broke up and if guys were never dickbags; awesome songs like Taylor Swift’s You’re Not Sorry would never be written. And it would be our loss, b/c it really is fucking fabulous. The fact that they remixed it for her guest star episode of CSI makes it even better. Everything sounds cooler when set to crime scene investigations. The remix makes me wanna smoke a J and sway to the music. It makes you feel like being emotionally tormented is ok. More than ok; it’s the best feeling ever.

Did I build up the song enough? BFF put it on a mix CD for me and I’ve been listening to it non-stop. Your turn. Enjoy!

What is Moral Fiber Anyways?

To me, moral fiber would be publicly denouncing someone and saying how much you hate them and their opinions and how they should go back to their own country and never ever come back… and then seeing them in a movie and deciding you now love them. And then even googling them and buying their book. Very morally fiberlicious. Not bi-polar at all.

I’m talking about Russell Brand.

I really really really hated the bloke after his shenanigans on the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. I hadn’t seen “the movie” yet. If you didn’t watch the VMA’s, here’s a recap:

“Sarah Palin, she’s a VILF, maybe. A vice president I’d like to … fumble, fondle? I don’t know.”

“That is the safe sex message of all time. Use a condom or become a Republican!”

“As a representative of the global community, a visitor from abroad, I don’t want to come across a little bit biased, but could I please ask of you, people of America, please elect Barack Obama, please, on behalf of the world. Some people, I think they’re called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But I know America to be a forward thinking country because otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be president for eight years. We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Some people … say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country because otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President for eight years?”

Yes, hilarious… if you’re a democrat… I guess. And hey, buddy… Bush went to Yale for undergrad and Harvard for his MBA. I know you aren’t from America, but those are impossible schools to get into and I’m thinking the coursework there isn’t curved for dumb dumb cowboys.

That’s another thing… How can you possibly think it’s acceptable to give political advice or offer your political opinion (esp on National Television) when YOU AREN’T EVEN A US CITIZEN. GO HOME! I think you’re a racist. Anyone who says, “People who didn’t vote for Barack are racists” are in fact 1. ignorant and 2. racist themselves. I didn’t vote for him b/c I didn’t (and still totally don’t) think he’s qualified. He could be purple for all I care. It’s not the color of his face that matters, it’s the way he thinks… or doesn’t think. I doubt his brain is black. But again, who freagin cares?!?

But then…

Then I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Sigh.

And I forgot all about the past mistakes of Mr. Brand. I forgot about the way I stared at him in disgust and screamed at the TV that he needed to lay off the blow. I forgot about his hatred for republicans and his lack of intelligent political opinions. All I knew was that he was fucking fabulous. And I loved him.

Such a guy move, making you forget all his faults just by being adorably funny. It’s ridiculous. He’s Aldous Snow in the movie as I’m sure you all know, and is “dating” Sarah Marshall. He’s seriously my hero. Best lines from the movie:

Aldous Snow: [holding a single sandal] I’ve lost a shoe… have you seen it anywhere? Excuse me, missus, I’ve lost a shoe… like this one. It’s like this ones fellow… it’s sort of the exact opposite in fact of that – not an evil version but just, you know, a shoe like this… but for the other foot. Otherwise I’d have two right…

Sarah Marshall: I hate your music.

Aldous Snow: Yeah well, I fucked the housekeeper the other day.

Aldous Snow: Come on tour with me. I’ll serenade you every night in front of thousands of women.

Sarah Marshall: I didn’t know you were going on tour.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, I’m going in two weeks. It’s like an 18 month tour, 43 countries, Infant Sorrow, and it’s gonna be a massive tour.

Sarah Marshall: Yeah, I can’t come cause I have a job. I’m a working actress.

Aldous Snow: Not anymore. You’re an unemployed actress. Perfect. You could be the queen of the groupies, queen of the Sorrow Suckers.

Sarah Marshall: The Sorrow Suckers?

Aldous Snow: Sorrow Suckers. I don’t know why they call them that.

Sarah Marshall: When were you planning on telling me this?

Aldous Snow: I just told you, then.

Sarah Marshall: Yeah. No, I know. But telling me now isn’t really the same as telling me.

Aldous Snow: Well, look, you know, I’ve not told you I’ve got genital herpes, because it’s not inflamed at the moment…

Aldous Snow: [scene where Aldous is about to leave the hotel] I would rather have my testicles spread out like a wafer and then have them covered in a layer of honey and then have wasps come and sting me and then have them covered in another layer of vinegar and then have it worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi. I’d rather have that than spend another second with her. How you served five years under her, I don’t know. You deserve a medal, or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody.

Aldous Snow: I mean, I’ve heard that women do fake orgasms, but I’ve never seen it… It really, deeply upset me.

Incredible. There are much funnier quotes but I couldn’t find them online. When he’s talking to the religious guy I almost died. If you haven’t seen the movie. GO NOW and buy it. Don’t even rent it, b/c you’re gonna wanna see it more than 5 times.

My last post I said I was going straight to the bookstore to get that breakup diet book. Yeah… no. I walked allllll around the store looking for than damn book and found nothing. Not true. I found Russell Brands Booky Wook. It called to me from a counter near the front doors. No, not really. But the cover is black and hot pink; my favorite color combination and the color of my future bad ass motorcycle. Finally I asked the sales clerk guy (which I hate doing for some unknown reason. No, I know the reason, I like to do things all by myself. I’m a big girl) and he tells me the breakup diet wont be in till March 25. I can’t wait that long!

So I bought the Booky Wook instead. Hardcover. I’m such an impulse shopper. I haven’t started reading it yet but I’m pretty amped about it. Yes, I just said amped.

Sigh. What a beautiful booky wook.

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be…

“I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.” -Albert Einstein

“It’s hard to think about growing up when you’re right in the middle of doing it. It’s hard to know what you want. Sometimes there are so many voices in your head it’s difficult to know which of them is yours.” – Kevin Brooks

“The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have.” -Randy Pausch

“We never keep to the present. We…anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise that we wander about in times that do not belong to us, and do not think of the only one that does; so vain that we dream of times that are not and blindly flee the one that is…We think of how we are going to arrange things over which we have no control for a time we can never be sure of reaching…Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.” -Blaise Pascal

“Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Yes I know, that’s a lot of quotes. I couldn’t decide on the best one, they all kinda fit. SHIT. That’s my whole point; I’m indecisive like whoa. Not on all things. Ya know, just the things that determine my life direction and important as hell stuff like that. I’m a dreamer. A big freagin dreamer.

I know I know I know. I WANT to live it. I’m full of these awesome ideas that I come up with literally every day. Big ideas; like life altering fantastic ideas. My therapist says this is ADD in me; evidently us ADD people are very creative and are always coming up with new things to try. Some examples (as told to friends and family):

“I’m thinking I wanna join the Navy and become a naval pilot. Ya know, go to officer training and then aviation school. How bad ass would that be?!?”

“This year I’m totally gonna try out to be a Redskins cheerleader. I mean, it’s always been a dream of mine. I really think I could do it and what a great experience that would be!”

“That bitch Erin Andrews. Screw her and her long legs and perfect hair. I could do that. Yup, that’s totally what I wanna do. Sports reporter… it’s perfect. I love talking, I love sports AND I would totally love being on TV.  Someone call up Ms. Andrews and tell her to watch out for her new, better, younger competition.”

“So I heard Chris Cooley is directing a movie here in DC and acting tryouts are next week. I’m sooo gonna do that. I’ll get to meet my fav tight end AND break into the movie business which is exactly where I belong.”

“Lets just pack up our shit and move to Key West. Lets do it. I’m completely serious.”

“We need our own reality show so bad it’s not even funny. I’m gonna start video taping us and submit it to MTV or some other station… however it is you go about doing that. I have no idea but I’ll figure it out. This is it Juicy. This is IT.”

“I’ve been thinking about going back to school and becoming an RN. Nurses are in high demand right now and I think it would be a really good career path. I mean, just think… I could work anywhere!!”

“I’ve always wanted to be a singer. I’ve been reading all my old journals to get some insight into what I used to want to be when I grew up and every single entry ended with, ‘I’m gonna be a famous singer one day! You can do it!’ Maybe I was right. And how freagin cool would that story be when talk show hosts ask me ‘So when did you decide that singing was your dream?’ Oh. Well. According to my old diaries… when I was 9.”

“Let’s open a clothing store, with bad ass clothes obviously, but not just clothes… when you walk back to the dressing room you realize the store is a lot bigger than you thought. Then you keep walking and all of a sudden the store opens up into a huge tiki bar area complete with a huge pool and waterfall and awesome bikinis and flip flops for sale, so it’s still a store, but there’s no roof, so you can get tan AND drunk AND shop. Maybe we could even have some Hollywood type effects like every hour there’s a huge rainstorm for just a minute to cool everyone down and add to the excitement. We could call it ‘Weather’. I know… Genius.”

“I love tan lines. I wish tanning salons sold stick-on bikinis so I could keep my tan lines without having to wear my bikini in the tanning bed and worry about the strings giving me weird loopty loop lines on my back and neck. I’m totally gonna invent stick-on bikinis.”

“I’m gonna teach myself CSS and HTML. I’ll be a self-taught web designer before you can say, ‘Hey, kick ass blog.’ Mom, go get me some web design books, I’m seriously going to do this.”

“I just wanna surf. I wanna move to Cali, get really good at surfing and then get sponsored by Roxy or Billabong or Toes to the Noes and get free stuff for life and live on my board just surfin waves man.”

Ok enough examples, I’m sure you get the idea. I have dreams. Lots of them. I just don’t know which ones to pursue. So. I. Do. Nothing. It’s awful. I crave adventure and excitement but something always holds me back. My therapist says this is the ADD curse: Inability to follow through. On. Anything. Well fucking great. Thanks for the great genes mom and dad. You’ve screwed me to a life full of amazing optimistic ideas with a serious lack of follow up action. All my ideas are just that: Ideas.

But, being me, I don’t fully accept this notion of a curse. I’d rather make completely bullshit excuses rational explanations for why I’m not pursuing my dreamy ideas…

I’m not in good enough shape yet and I’d have to workout a bunch to be a Redskins cheerleader or a naval pilot.

I’m not skinny enough to be a in a reality show and make girls hate me but secretly wish they were me; I’ve just gotta lose the 5-10 pounds that the camera adds.

I don’t believe in myself enough to try to be a singer or Hollywood actress. Are they really happy anyways??And what if everyone was just being nice when they told me I’m an awesome singer or would make a really good actress? I bet they were lying. Y0u too mom. You liar.

I’m thinking someone probably already came up with the whole stick-on bikini idea… I mean, there’s no way I’m the only person that loves tan lines right?

I am NOT a morning person… reporters get up at the crack of dawn… scratch that idea right off the list. Unless ESPN caters to spoiled lil prissy girls who “Like totally need my beauty rest and do not wake up until 9 at the earliest but usually 10 am is preferred. It’s in the fine print on my contract.” ESPN, “I’m sorry, but, who the fuck are you again??” Me, “Umm I’m your next Erin Andrews… DUH.“

The other ideas I don’t have the funds to support and I’m clueless on how to execute the ideas and get the ball rolling. I also can’t find the time to teach myself anything new and complex with work, family, friends, my social life and stupid boys getting in the way. Ughh the complications of a busy life. No ME time.

How am I possibly going to become the best ME that I can be with NO ME TIME?!?

I need another vacation… Is there any way to become a professional vacationer? If so, I’m TOTALLY gonna do that.

Wasting Away HOURS of my Life

At work Monday and Tuesday I could not stop doing Face in Hole. I was totally addicted. I guess I still am but I’m getting better. I haven’t done it at all today… yet. But I’m not gonna lie… I am really proud of my creations;  so I wanted to share my favorites with you.

They’re pretty amazing.

Me... Triplets with HUGE Boobs. Totally nailed Kendra's look. And LOVE the Holly pic. I keep forgetting it's not really me. DAMMIT

Sorry I had to put a sticker over the guys face b/c it’s not Hef… I’m not saying who it is but if you’ve ever read my blog before I’m sure you can guess. And yes I know, I’m totally crazy… but I’m also a serious hottie with some big boobies!!  I don’t really like how the one in the front turned out but whatever; who cares about Bridget anyways?!?! Not I.

Anyways, that one was my favorite. Oh… but there’s more.

Yes, I might be obsessed with having big boobs and incredible hair... don't hate

Amazing...Why was I even making that face???

And I left the second best for last…

In my book... Bella's kind of a bad ass. Oh and she's me

That would have been the best one but I couldn’t find a picture of me that really nailed the ‘Bella look’ from the poster.  And… My nose is kinda blending in with the background. But oh well I mean, it’s Face in Hole not Photoshop people.

So. Now. I think you should all stop what you’re doing and go put your face in a hole. It’s some seriously serious fun. Seriously.

On another note, I know I’ve sucked at blogging recently but I’ve just been really busy and there is too much to write about so I just didn’t write that much except the whole Popsicle soul thing. I know… bad choice. I promise to be better asap.

Asap=Right Away.