Umm.. OK…?

Strange. I haven’t really written anything interesting in weeks but my stat table shot up today… Now here I am (again) wishing I had google analytics so I would know what the reason was. Damn you simple wordpress blog, damn you.

Highly related; I took a personal day yesterday. I wasn’t planning on doing this but for some reason I pulled an all-nighter and didn’t go to bed till 7:30 am.  Consequently I got 3 hours of sleep (on the couch) and when I woke up I didn’t really feel like moving, at all. So I didn’t move. That’s not true, I went to the bathroom a few times and let the dogs out and might have gotten some food from the kitchen; but I didn’t move much. Mom was not too thrilled about this but I assured her (in a loud voice that could be confused with screaming) that while I may not be at work, I am still working. Obviously that’s a lie. I was extremely productive though.

The all-nighter is actually a little embarrassing. No, I wasn’t out partying it up. I wasn’t drinking or smoking or taking speed or lines or anything (those last two I don’t actually ever do).  I was… I was… sigh, ok, somehow I got extremely motivated (I wish I knew the source of the motivation so I could bottle it and spray it on whenever I need it) and around 10 pm I started working on my new website I was talking about a week or two ago. I looked at the clock at 12:40 am and told myself that at 1 am I was going to bed. Didn’t happen. I got fucking addicted to finishing the site. Pathetic. The next time I looked at the clock only b/c I could hear birds chirping and thought that was strange: It was 5:30 am. Dagger. The whole night flew by. Going to bed at 5:30 am seemed like a lost cause so I gave up on sleep and focused on working. Around 7:30 am my body demanded sleep and my brain was rebelling (it was already thinking about the work day ahead and was not excited about it).

I put my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. Literally 2 minutes later my mom walked in the family room where I had just laid down. Shit. Do normal people really wake up this early? I pretended I had been asleep for hours on the couch. She was loud as fuck doing dishes in the kitchen but I still managed to pass the fuck out fast. In the small amount of non-REM sleep I got I had a dream that basically haunted me all day. Thank you brain. Stupid bitch (my brain’s a female, like myself. Duh). Details shortly.

I woke up thinking I was going to go to work but then the whole “I don’t wanna move” mood hit me so I picked up my computer and yup, I got back to work. All day I worked on that fucking site. Making a website is not easy. It was kinda fun though. Especially when things started to fall into place. It was easier to do during the day; the night before I had taken a few xanax to go to bed (didn’t work) so I was beginning my website building journey under the influence. It made it much less stressful but ultimately backfired. I would finally figure out how to set up a database and rejoice (congratulations! You now have a database!) only to be directed to the admin login page and… umm (think think think)… what the fuck is my user name and password!??!?  Ughhhh why is this happening to me!??!! My face falls. I can’t remember my info. Why didn’t I write that shit down? Curse you brain. — Anyways… things like that… happening all night long. Yes, daytime is def the best time to do work. Trust me.

The site is up and running but I want it to be perfect and it’s not yet, so I’ll letcha know when I’m totally done and give y’all a link! I’m so excited!! I feel uber smart and accomplished. As well as exhausted.

The dream was about the ex; which really threw me off my game (or whatever I’m usually on) for the day. I haven’t had a dream about him or even with him in it since… since… I have no idea. Since last year maybe? Where did that come from!?!? It wasn’t very interesting except that we were at his parents house and it was a castle and his mom was being really cool towards me (she’s a huge bitch in real life. Huge. Bitch). Things we fine. We weren’t together in my dream (together meaning relationship). I remember wondering what the fuck I was doing at his parents castle and that I didn’t really wanna see him at all but didn’t know what to do. Then there he was (looking chunky btw. HA) and we caught up on life and things were not bad. The dream isn’t the story really. The story is what happened while I was telling BFF about my dream on our way to HH that evening. It’s a very short story.

My blackberry vibrates. I have a facebook notification. I read it and momentarily choke on my tongue and had it been my old car I would have thrown my phone at the windshield; not to GiGi though. Never at GiGi. The ex has sent me a friend request. AGAIN. THAT’S THE 3RD OR 4TH FRIEND REQUEST IN LESS THAN A YEAR PEOPLE. IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE. Can you NOT take a hint?!?!?!? Have you no pride?!?!

I was spooked the rest of the night thinking the ex has ESP and knew I had a dream about him. I mean… that is a little weird right? Coincidental? Definitely. Creepy? Totally. Pathetic? Ohhhhh yeah.

Off to a MLB game now =). HURRAY for the weekend!!!!!

Can Someone Really Refuse To Be Broken Up With?

I’m hanging out at C’s house last night (his girlfriend, Gemma, was outta town) and we’re catching each other up on the happenings of our lives when he tells me to wish him luck. “Good luck with what?” I said. “Gemma gets home tomorrow and we haven’t spoken on the phone the whole time she’s been gone.” says C. “WHAT!?!? How is that possible!?” I scream, ” She’s ALWAYS calling and texting you!” The next part is priceless. C says, “Well, before she left I told her things weren’t working out and that I didn’t really wanna be with her anymore. But she said no.”

(Pause)… “I’m sorry… she said what?”

C: “She said no. Then she said she loved me and was really gonna miss me. She’s so weird like that sometimes. It’s like I’m crazy or something.”

Me: “I didn’t realize you could say no when someone breaks up with you.”

C: “I know right!?! Me neither! But she did. And I was just like, oh.. ok… love you too…?”

Me: “C!!! That’s so weak! You just went with it!?!?”

C: “I mean… if she really loves me and wants to be with me that much… then.. It’s not like I hate her, it’s just…”

Me: “C you can’t kind of break up with someone. You have to mean it. She obviously knew you would cave if she just confused you a little.”

C: “But I tried again! I don’t know what to do! I have no idea what’s gonna happen when she gets home….we’ve only texted a few times the past few days. Look.”

I read the text messages. They were fucking incredible. Re-writing them wouldn’t have the same effect. So I took pictures. Yes, I took pictures of C’s phone. C is the lime green bubbles, Gemma is the grey. C had to go to court over a DUI but now it’s just a reckless ticket thanks to awesome lawyers. Oh and Gemma got a boob job a couple of weeks ago and now thinks she’s the queen of shit and can do no wrong just b/c she has big fake boobies. Makes no sense but it’s relevant. Oh and C calls her his boo… probably b/c she told him to.

He never wrote her back. I wished him luck. The best part (aside from the fact that I have amazing friends who let me take pictures of their hilarious texts so I can blog about them) is that she doesn’t know why he would send her a text like that… but she misses him. Pathetic. I kinda wish I were friends with this girl so I could be there for her and tell her, “Uhh… I think it’s b/c he doesn’t wanna date you anymore dude.” But that wouldn’t really work b/c then she’d probably want all her clothes and jewelry back and I’m just not willing to part with them.

On that note I scored a really hot one shoulder dress, a pair of skinny purple jeans, and a nice black tank from C’s house the other day. I didn’t even steal the stuff really: I told him I was taking it and he begrudgingly agreed. I also told him that if they are in fact “broken up”, I call all her clothes left in the house. He agreed to that too. Yay for me.

Seriously though; I’m at a loss for words on the topic of saying no to being dumped. All that’s coming to mind is, “WTF!?” and “Really?!?” and “But how? How would that work in the long run??” I’m trying to envision my past and if I could have just said no, or if I’d ever tried it, or if someone ever tried it on me. I think I would remember if any of those had happened though. I’ve def told someone they can’t break up with me (once dammit) but I knew that my words had no real leverage… and I didn’t say that while they were trying to break up with me. Ever. This girl must be in some serious denial with some serious issues that fake boobs can’t fix. And C really needs to step it up if he’s gonna get rid of this one. She’s a lil loco.

April Fools… And I Fell For It

In the midst of everything that’s been going on right now I totally forgot that today is April 1st. AKA April Fools Day. I mean, I knew it was the first of April but who does April Fools pranks anymore?!? I didn’t even think about a possible prank at work, home, happy hour, or anywhere for that matter. I haven’t pulled an April Fools prank since… since… I’m thinking elementary school. I guess in the corporate world, where life just sucks a bunch of ass, employees get bored. Employees are constantly bored (I know b/c I am one of them) and some of them look for reasons/excuses (like April Fools Day) to make a funny. All in good fun. Good for a laugh or two in a day full of ‘business as usual’.

Not so fast. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me (logically… I guess) but I felt like this joke was a personal attack ( I always think that. And I always think people are talking about me). Needless to say… I didn’t laugh. I mentally freaked out; then I verbally freaked out on the prankster. April Fools bitch. I know where you sleep at night.

Mr. Funny Man?? MY OWN BROTHER. The Joke?? Well… I got to work, booted up my computer (previously open tabs loaded) and then got down to actual business. I’ve been working since I got here; which actually hasn’t been that long, but still… you get the point. I ignored my computer while working. A big step for me.

30 minutes ago I get a facebook notification on my blackberry saying BFF tagged 4 pictures of me. Naturally, I wanted to see if these pictures were flattering or um… the complete opposite (picture me drunked up either dancing like Cameron Diaz or making awful kissy faces that at the time I thought oozed sexuality). So I go to my facebook tab. It reads Error. I reload… and this is what I see…

• *** WARNING-YOU HAVE ATTEMPTED TO ACCESS AN UNAUTHORIZED WEBSITE INAPPROPRIATE FOR WORK. THE CONTENT OF THIS WEBSITE COULD BE POTENTIALLY HARMFUL TO THE COMPUTER NETWORK. YOUR IP ADDRESS HAS ALREADY BEEN RECORDED AND FORWARDED TO UPPER LEVEL MANAGEMENT. PLEASE SEE [THE BIG BOSS] IMMEDIATELY TO REVIEW THE APPROPRITATE USE OF COMPANY PROPERTY AND THE PROFESSIONAL CODE OF CONDUCT****

I’ve since learned that other people in the office were freaking out and didn’t know if they should go see the boss man or not. But I’m the bosses daughter; so when I said earlier that I freaked out, I really meant that I got really really pissed. I wanted to see the posted pictures. I start scouring google to find out how to get around the facebook block. Seriously. All while cursing my dad and our IT guy. I’m smart enough to know that downloading free shit to get around websites without knowing what I’m doing could give me nasty viruses but one person (on yahoo answers) said to try Internet Explorer if you’re currently using Mozilla. I thought that made sense. Maybe they had overlooked Internet Explorer. I open up IE, type in facebook.com, and I see this…

FROM: [BROTHER'S NAME]

I’m officially fuming. I begin planning my attack on this so-called brother of mine. 5 Minutes later my brother walks in my office and just by the look on my face starts laughing his ass off. I am not amused. He’s ecstatic. I’m about to pounce and rip him to shreds.

Me: “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?”

Brother: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Me: “IS THIS PERMANENT!?!?!”

Brother: “AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA OMG OMG AHAHAHAHA”

Me: “THIS IS NOT FUNNY! I HAVE TO SEE IF BFF POSTED UNBECOMING PHOTOS OF ME!”

Brother: “Alright Jeeeeez calm down.”

Me: “Did YOU do this?!?”

Brother: “Of course I did.”

Me: “How did you know how to do that?”

Brother: “I know everything.”

Me: (snort) “Riggghhtt… Did the IT guy help you?”

Brother: “Yeah.”

Me: “FIX IT.”

Brother: “Ok, ok it was just a joke.”

Me: “Well, it wasn’t funny.”

Brother: “You shoulda seen your face.”

Me: “I see my face all the time. Go. Now. Fix it. I’m gonna hurt you.”

Brother: (mocking me) “Oh nooo what am I gonna dooo??? I need my facebook!”

Me: “Seriously… Lots of pain.”

He fixed it. Facebook is now up and running. And I guess it was a little funny. At least my brother is very pleased with his prank; “LEGEN (wait for it) DARY” as his gchat away message reads. Great. I’ll never live this one down. Happy April Fools Day Everyone! Any good pranks at your office?

MissourIncredible

Last night there were some awesome basketball games on. I usually couldn’t care less about basketball but I get kind of into March Madness and fill out brackets b/c it’s just plain fun. Unfortunately I picked Memphis to win last night over Missouri. Even though my bracket was rooting for Memphis to win… after I saw what you’re hopefully about to watch; I changed my allegiance to Missouri. This was incredible.

I Hate People

I told y’all that Daniel and Kendra broke up and that during the breakup he told her we hooked up right? I think I did. Anyways so Kendra and I still aren’t friends again yet. She said she needs time to get over everything but really we’re just growing further and further apart and it fucking sucks (like a dog pissing in your new Fendi bag, that’s how much it sucks). I’ve called her, written her emails, etc. trying to reach out to her and so she doesn’t just forget about my existence but she hasn’t reached back. Daniel, in my opinion, ruined my friendship with Kendra; out of spite. Just to kick her when she was already down. He’s a sucky person.

He just texted me. The fucking Nerve. I quote, “If you don’t have anywhere to watch the games im in the back bar of rb working come by.” First off, your grammar is atrocious. Secondly, I always have somewhere to go you idiot. And thirdly, FUCK YOU DANIEL. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!

So I answered, which I normally don’t do. But I did. I felt inclined to text a “Fuck You”. It’s short,  simple and unmistakably to the point. If I see this kid I seriously will punch him in the face. I will not even try to avoid the face area; I’m going right for it. And I hope to cause damage that will haunt him for life. I also hope he doesn’t press charges. B/c that would suck (like dog piss in Fendi bag suck).

Beware of the Crazies

I think I wrote a time or two about this guy, BoRo, that I met at a bar a couple weeks ago. He’s really really really into me. I know this b/c he tells me, “I like you a lot, like I really really like you a lot”, so I’m translating that to mean, “I really really like you, a lot.” He’s one of the most eager beavers I’ve ever met. He calls to ask me on dates. Real dates.

Real dates kinda freak me out. I went on two short dates with him and then he asked me out for last Tuesday night to, “Go to a nice dinner in the city and then maybe out.” I said sure. Come Tuesday night I was feeling the opposite of excited about the date so I called and politely bailed saying that my mom had made this big dinner for me and my dad was out of town so I felt bad. He forgave me in half a second and asked me out for Friday night (same date dinner theme). I said alright, still not excited at all. I honestly just wished he would go away b/c I’m not interested in dating him but couldn’t find any good reasons that would justify my wish. Aka: there was nothing blatantly wrong with him.

He calls Wednesday, texts Wednesday, he cannot wait to see me and he wishes it was Friday so we were already hanging out, he leaves a voicemail. He calls and texts Thursday, same gist of the messages, he calls and texts Friday… more messages. I start to feel an enormous sense of being completely overwhelmed. When I finally check my voicemail (I usually wait till I have at least 8 in my box) 7 messages in a row are from him. I full on freak out.

In his last message he tells me he’s been planning the date out with his sister-in-law (not that he talks about me a lot but they were talking and I just happened to come up in conversation, bla bla bla) and I have 2 choices for dinner: Nice sushi place or nice Latin place in DC. I haven’t called this guy back since Tuesday. At 5 o’clock on Friday (and 6 texts from him later) I finally start to feel bad and texted him, “sushi! is it too late?” but then start freaking out again b/c I don’t wanna go at all. He texts back and surprisingly says, “no its ok, I don’t wanna go anymore. You don’t sound like you want to go and I don’t wanna be that guy.” I’m shocked to the core. I go from freaked out to almost a little impressed with his perceptiveness. In my state of shock I call Juicy to tell her what he said. I’m relieved I don’t have to deal with the date anymore but also a little let down that he gave up. It’s so fun to have guys pursue you.

While on the phone with Juicy, 2 minutes later, he texts again. The slight impressed feeling vanishes and the shock totally subsides; he’s insecure with his previous decision to call off the date, “I mean, oh no, did you wanna go? I still really wanna go I just thought you didn’t wanna go and you’re so hard to get in touch with so I didn’t know.” Vomit in my mouth. Juicy is disgusted with the newest text. I let her listen to a voicemail from him and she tells me that she thinks he sounds pretty crazy.

He texts me again and then calls. I’m not gonna be able to avoid him the way I had hoped. Juicy and Pancey are going to Hooters for drinks after work and I really wanted to meet them up there. I love hooters. It’s such a happy place. I call Bo (with Juicy on my office speaker phone) and tell him I cant do the date, but would he like to meet me and my friends at Hooters. He’s all for it. I still feel a little bad so I send him a facebook friend request before I leave work. This is when the crazy comes out.

I get home and he texts me, “So you sent me a facebook friend request eh?” Yes obviously I did you idiot. Then he calls me. I pick up. He sounds anxious, nervous and cracked out on Ritalin or something. The conversation goes a little like this…

BoRo: “Heyyy, soo facebook friends now officially, like omg!”

“yup…”

BoRo: “Well, don’t delve to deep into all my pictures or anything.”

“Umm ok, I think you should repeat that you yourself.”

BoRo: “HA! Right, Right. HA HA. Ohhh wow. You’re funny.  So I tried to put up that I was engaged to you but facebook has these stupid security precautions that make no sense at all but completely make sense and wouldn’t let me put your name without your permission. It said it sent you an engagement request, so I guess you have that waiting for you. Ha ha.”

“Wait… I’m sorry… are you serious?”

BoRo: “yup.”

“Oh. K…. ” (thinking to self, holy SHIT what a creeper)

I call Juicy immediately to tell her. She points out that not only is this creepy as hell, but this also means he hasn’t been in a relationship since facebook was started b/c he didn’t even know about relationship requests. Was that 2004? That’s insane.

To make Hooters a long story short; he was totally off the wall weird and awkward. Spastic even. Pancey’s bf was drunk and invited him back to their place (to be nice) and he accepted. Fuckin fuck. So we all go hang at Pancey’s and she has some other people over. I wan’t to kill BoRo at this point just to make him go away. Finally it’s late and I drive him back to his car. He doesn’t wanna go back to his car. He wants to go eat at Denny’s or Ihop. I tell him that sounds totally awful and I just wanna go home b/c it’s 2:30 in the morning. He freaks, “But I never get to hang out with you! I had to share you the whole night! When is it just gonna be you and me??” I tell him I have no idea what he’s talking about and that we just met 2 weeks ago. He says I don’t understand. He is such a girl. He tries to kiss me and I pull back and don’t let him. I tell him I’m just not feelin it. To which he responds, “ReaLLY?!? I mean, seriously?!?!? HOW?!” I have no idea, I’m just not. Sorry.

He looks like a punished puppy as he gets outta the car. I drive off. He calls, I ignore. He calls and texts 5 times the next day. I ignore. Come on kid, take a hint. Sunday was the climax of our “relationship”, ew I just cringed saying that word.

He texted me 20 times in a row and in between these texts managed to call me 7 times… maybe more. I left my phone at C’s last night but these were basically the texts…

are you like never gonna talk to me again?

Omg did I like, totally blow it with you?

I wish you would text me back or call me back so I know you’re alive, I just really like you and feel like we would be really great together.

He calls me, twice.

(I text back, “sorry, you just really freaked me out.”)

OH NO! I’m so sorry I acted so wild Friday night! I knew that was gonna happen, I shouldn’t have smoked before I went to Hooters. I really am a great guy I wish you would give normal BoRo just one more chance…

I promise it’ll be really fun and normal.

(I don’t answer)

I really liked your friends too I had so much fun just let me take you out one more time I promise you wont regret it.

(I’m hanging out at my brother’s place and he tells me that BoRo sounds like a freak of nature and that I should de-friend him on facebook. So, I do, immediately.)

30 seconds later…

OMG YOU DEFRIENDED ME! Holy shit, wow. Sorry I guess I’ll never call you again. It was great to meet you.

20 seconds later he calls, and then he calls again!! I don’t answer.

(I text back, “yeaahhhh…. sorry, my mom has facebook and I don’t need her reading photo comments like, “my new profile picture” under pictures of my backside in a bikini.” He seriously made a photo comment like that which I deleted)

He calls again.

I really wish you would answer your phone, it’s so much easier than texting.

(I don’t answer) 3 min later…

Well sorry I didn’t cut the mustard (I’m sorry WHAT!?!?)

It wouldn’t have worked out anyways, you’re kind of a huge nerd and all straight laced. you need like a short military guy you can bitch around. ha ha ha.

(He doesn’t stop, this guy has NO pride and has the brain of a 5 year old)

Oh and you have chronic bad breath and you may or may not be a lesbian. ha ha! See ya!

Oh and your friends are lame. Bye for real.

Have fun at Hooters on Friday nights. I shoulda taken one of them home with me but nooooooo…. I was stuck with YOUR lame ass.

All that in the span of ohhhhh 30 minutes maybe. It was ridiculous. Anyone know how to block numbers on verizon phones? This guy is insane and is definitely on some serious Ritalin. Or he should be. So… no more BoRo! Ever ever again. In fact, I think I can just cross all future Bo’s off the list b/c I really really hate that name. Oh btw, I totally had a facebook engagement request waiting for me when I signed on to defriend him… his profile status: Engaged. I shit you not.

Je Vais Vomir

I’m going to Vom.com people.

My company was a key founder of a French non-profit organization that did really well for a few years. We operated it mostly from here in the US and had a few native Frenchies (that also spoke English, though not very well) on staff to handle translating and stuff like that. Well, the Association took a turn for the worst last year, I’ll blame the economy; but the French now think that we are a bunch of money hungry arrogant Americans looking for a way to exploit the French people and their hard earned money through our “scandalous” association. It’s a long story.

Anyways, the association was put on hold and the French people no longer work here. However, we’re trying to turn it around and get it back up and running. Without the Frenchies here anymore, there’s only one person left in the whole office who is familiar with French. C’est moi (it’s me).

I took 7 years of French so you would think I should be pretty fluent by now… FAUX (false). I can’t speak it for shit. I can, however, read and understand it pretty well. Which has been awesome b/c I’ve been translating emails for a while now and love doing it. I also translated a 10 paragraph article a French reporter/journalist wrote about non-profit organizations. But to translate every word into English, I obviously had help from some nifty online translation sites. Thank God for those.

Now my boss thinks I’m a French genius. (And I’m not gonna tell him otherwise)

We got word today that a French reporter is going to call here to speak with someone regarding the association. So, naturally, my boss told me that I would be the one taking the call.

FML.

Translating written French is one thing. Listening to a native Frenchie over the phone speak a million miles a second using French slang and probably bitching at me about tax receipts and things like that?!?!? THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY (and yes, I know “nother” isn’t really a word… I think).

So my heart is literally racing at a speed that should burn all the calories I’ve consumed in the last week. I’m not really complaining about that, but it is kind of uncomfortable. I’d be sweating but it’s freezing in here. I hate to typecast but… aren’t Frenchies kinda known for not being the nicest of all people? And kind of impatient? Am I wrong??

Ok… my boss just walked in a few minutes ago while I was writing this post. I. Am. An. Idiot. Je suis un idiot. He told me to stop freaking out and think about what time it is in France. (I had no idea). He said, “7 hour time difference… ahead of us…”

Je suis une petite fille stupide (I am a stupid little girl). It’s like 8:30 PM in France. I doubt their work hours are much different than ours. No one is going to call today. I can breathe. Until Monday that is.

Ok now I feel like I wrote all this for nothing. Oh well. C’est la vie.

That’s Just Not Gonna Work

Yes, another Russian post.

He texted me 3 times last night. The last text was just my name with an exclamation point after it. Uh, hellllo I’m pretending I’ve already gone to bed it’s not like I can hear you screaming through text message. Geez. I didn’t even know boys still used exclamation points. I thought that was just a girl thing. Hmmm. Interesting.

So I texted him this afternoon and told him I didn’t think I had plans after work (no mention of coffee). He texted back and said great what time do you get off work. I said 6 or 6:30. He has a test at 7 so he wants to meet around 8 in Arlington (not too far from where I live). So… he’s still in school. That’s minus 15 points buddy.

Then he aim’ed me b/c I hadn’t responded yet (I like to wait). But luckily no chatting was involved b/c he just said hi and then, I gtg text me. So I did, 45 minutes later and asked him where in Arlington he wanted to meet. Ready for this?

“doesn’t matter just call me when you get there. If I get out early I’ll let you know.”

Hold up. I’m supposed to just drive to Arlington and like, wait? No I don’t think so. Where the fuck am I gonna wait? In my car?!? No, that is not ok.

I’ll meet you at a bar, I’ll meet you at a… um… different kind of place that serves alcohol… but I will not agree to pathetic plans like that. What are we even gonna do? He didn’t even say anything about that. I have no idea. (Obviously I’m hoping it involves alcohol)

Having no idea is one of the things I hate the most. I’m aware that I do this to my friends all the time by making half-ass plans and 1/2 the time not even following through but I do not let guys do that to me.

I’m gonna need an itinerary Russian.

I don’t know anything about this dude except that he’s not a U.S. citizen… minus 5 more points. Oh yeah but +3 points for the possibility of having really cute mixed babies with olive skin and blue eyes. sigh. Maybe that should be +5 and totally negate the citizen thing. They might be worth it.

Hmmmm I haven’t texted him back yet. I haven’t decided what to do. He’s not very tall… minus 8 points. He speaks another language= +5 points… I guess. Russian’s pretty cool, right?

Whatever it’s not like I’m gonna add up all these points when I’m done. I guess it’ll come down to how I’m feeling around 8 o’clock. Maybe I’ll text him and tell him that… but probably not. That doesn’t sound very nice does it?

and then my computer crashed

So last night I’m working late trying to get some stuff done for a meeting we had today when BAM! Blue screen. I think “no big deal” I’ve seen the blue screen before. Besides, my horoscope said that January was an excellent month for me in the communications realm, right?

Horoscope be damned, this time the blue screen was a big deal.

IT guy: “I uh, I think your hard drive is toast.”

me: “HAH toast. Wait, What!?”

IT guy: “I mean it’s fried. You cooked it.”

me (fed up with the food analogies): “But you can fix it right? I mean, you’re the computer guy…”

IT guy: “I’ll try but… I mean it’s really not surprising, it is after all just a mechanical device and mechanical devices crash sometimes.”

me: “Yes, Yes it IS surprising. It’s not just any mechanical device, it’s my computer. That laptop is my life.”

IT guy: “Well did you back up your stuff on an external hard drive?”

me: “Of course not, that would be too easy. I trusted my computer and now it goes and stabs me in the back like we never loved at all.”

IT guy: “Right… um well leave it here I’ll try to extract some files for you.”

Dear Computer,

How can you treat me like this after all we’ve been through?! I thought we would be together at least another couple of years and I thought that when you did decide it was time to move on that I would see it coming. I thought I would have a chance to collect my things and say my goodbyes.

Just to up and desert me without any explanation is so cruel. How could you do this to me I depended on you. You were my rock and now you’ve left me with nothing. You even took all our pictures with you. Those really meant something to me and you knew I hadn’t gotten any of them printed yet. I’m just so hurt. The past 3 years of my life I wasted on you and I have nothing to show for it.

I hope you never power up again. In fact, I hope they wipe your memory so you’re nothing but a hollow shell and you have to live like that for the rest of your pathetic computing life, hopefully in a box with other discarded inconsistent mechanical devices in someones attic. We are over! I will never try to turn you on again.

Sincerely,

The only one who ever loved you

Stupid Ex-Boyfriends + Facebook = Worst Combo Ever

Facebook.

Amazing book of faces you never knew you’d still be friends with 10 years later.

awesome.

not so awesome… it being a constant connection for you and ex boyfriends. It’s like there’s no escape.

My last ex and I broke up in April of 08. We lived together. I moved out and 5 states away.

Not only did he send me ANOTHER friend request today (no we are NOT friends, why would you send me a friend request???!?!?) He also sent me another message (“hey, whats up”… um nothing? leave me alone..) He changed his profile picture to a picture of him that I TOOK, IN MY HOUSE.. wait here’s the clincher…. my families christmas photo is clearly visible right next to him… my whole family… in his facebook picture. Now it gets good…

He has a new girlfriend. She just turned 21 (hes only 22.. i think, yeah that sounds right) They’ve been dating to my knowledge at the MOST a month MAyyybe a month and a half. the first picture of them together was posted 3 weeks ago (im not crazy, we have mutual friends and this shit just pops up.. thank you facebook)

THEY JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH is what I say to that.

1. He’s psychotic.

2. You’re both stupid.

3. You’re both doomed, and if you aren’t, then you’re even more doomed… if that makes sense.

please refer to my probably illegal quoting of his facebook wall…

Today

Random guy friend #1 wrote at 3:41 pm:

“so i saw [random guy friend #2] last night and he told me you moved in with [girl who will never be as cool/hot as your ex]? really? haha, damn [crazy stupid boy]…”

November 19th

New girlfriend/roomie wrote at 3:46 pm:

“Well [our ugly dog] and i dont like it when you go to history and speech!”

ok EW. Dude. You will never graduate from college. That is so sad and pathetic. I cant help but smile from the inside out. I bet his mother fucking loves her. baaahahahaha. If only y’all knew his crazy bitch mother.