On A Lighter Note

I’m the luckiest bitch in the world. Pancey’s boyfriend freaked on her last week, dumped her, took most of his shit and dipped out. It was sudden to everyone on the outside but Pancey said she pretty much saw it coming and wont be taking him back, ever. So that’s kinda sad. Good news for me though. Pancey now needs a roommate. She lives in a gorgeous 3 bedroom townhouse near where Juicy lives. Adorable neighborhood, fenced in back yard and best of all, her grandmother owns it. Her grandmother must be clueless as to what normal rent prices around here are b/c she’s been giving Pancey the sweetest deal in the whole world. What’s my rent gonna be for a three story townhouse with a spare bedroom? $500. What would that normally cost? I honestly don’t even know b/c it’s so out of my price range I never looked but def way over $1000… I’m thinking closer to $2000. I’m so happy it hasn’t even hit me yet. We’re having a doggy play date next week to make sure our dogs get along. I will be having a chat with Jack about how important this is to mommy and how he better not fuck it up.

Taylor Swift tickets came in the mail today. YAY! The price on the ticket? $28. How much did I pay for one ticket to her sold out concert? $115… Next time tickets go on sale for a concert I have to go to, remind me not to go out day drinking until I’ve bought my fucking ticket.

I had an interesting chat with C the other night about relationships. He said he thinks it should be an accepted practice to have more than one girlfriend at a time. I thought that was ridiculous; how on earth would you be able to divide your time? Wouldn’t you just naturally favor one girl over the other? He said maybe… but then you’d just hang out more often with the one you liked more. I thought I had him when I asked if the girlfriends could also have other boyfriends. But he said sure why not?

I pouted for a second. “Well what if she doesn’t want anyone but you?” I asked.

“Then I guess that’s a choice she’ll have to make. I’m sick of all the jealousy. Why can’t everyone just get along?” He said.

“Because,” I pointed out, “when I actually find someone that I feel is worthy of a lot of my time and I actually want to spend time with them, I don’t want to share them. But that’s why I don’t want a boyfriend… it’s too much to worry about. Like, who says that we have to hang out every day? I don’t want to see anyone on an everyday basis except for my dog. I don’t wanna worry about someone getting their feelings hurt if I don’t call. Who says you have to call everyday? Like if we don’t talk for 24 hours it means somethings wrong. That’s ridiculous.”

C: That’s why I think everyone should have a real relationship talk before they get serious. Too many people feel like they have to change when they’re officially with someone.

Me: Ughhh I hate relationship talks. I avoid them like the plague. They’re so lame.

C: No this wouldn’t be like that. It wouldn’t be like “are we official?” it would be more real. Like you’d talk about your expectations and how much you expect to be hanging out and how often or not often you expect to be called. Just lay it all out there so that no one has unrealistic expectations of you.

Me: That actually makes sense. It would sound ridiculous in a real life setting though… imagine I’ve been dating a guy for 3 weeks and I say…

“We need to talk. Listen, I like you. I really do. I hope we can continue to date and hang out for an undetermined amount of time that will be based on how my feelings for you develop. I just wanted to get some things out in the open to make everything easier on both of us. I will not be calling you everyday. I hope you will interpret that to mean that you also should not be calling me everyday. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I don’t ever want to feel like I have to call someone. And I wouldn’t want you to feel that way either. I don’t need you to tell me goodnight and that you love me. That’s kind of lame. I have my mom for that. Also… we’ve been hanging out about 1 to 3 nights a week so far. For me, that’s plenty of “us time”. I just don’t want you to expect me to change my schedule to accommodate a growing new relationship. Why go changing something that’s perfect the way it is? I see no reason. We don’t need to become needy or co-dependant. I fully expect you to keep doing what you do and I’ll do the same. You don’t even have to tell me everything: I really don’t care or need to know! I sincerely feel like this is the best approach and I hope you feel the same. I feel much better now. Good talk.”

We both laughed our asses off and C agreed that it would be a hilarious relationship talk that might not end the way you had planned. But I also agreed with him that it’s probably a necessary talk and I might be trying it out in the future. I will def let you know when.

It’s Friday… and I’m outta here =)

YAY & Fuckin A

YAY

I ordered awesome shorts from Chris Cooley’s Blog shop the other day (Chris Cooley=Redskins Tight End) and it got shipped asap b/c they are already in my possession. I’ve been wanting them for a while but held off b/c I bought the identicle sweatpants and couldn’t justify purchasing the same thing only shorter. But then I saw he was having a spring sale so I got them 15% off; which isn’t a lot but still… it matters. I paid $17 for them. I opened the package last night and had a mini freak out sesh by myself in the kitchen… Chris Cooley signed my shorts. He signed my fucking shorts. This is a big deal to me. I bought a hat from him knowing it came signed but this was like icing on the cupcake; it was totally unexpected. It made my whole week. Chris Cooley, at some time, somewhere, was touching my shorts long enough to sign them.

I am so gay and I don’t even care. I pranced around my room in them looking in all 5 of my mirrors; 2 of them full length, one of them big enough to basically be a full length, for at least 20 minutes. Then I had a big debate with myself over whether I was going to cherish them and never ever wash them or if I was going to wear them to bed (getting dog hair all over them b/c my dog sleeps with me), throw them in the hamper and wash them b/c they smell like dog and nightmare sweat. I didn’t come to a complete conclusion but I did sleep in them. They were so soft I couldn’t help it. It’s not complete b/c I haven’t thrown them in the hamper yet. I’m nervous his name will fade if I wash them. The shorts are on my bed. I’ll probably wear them again tonight if I make it home to sleep in my own bed. I also might cut them to make them shorter (I’m a fan of booty shorts) and honestly they need to be washed b/c they need to shrink some. Wearing them just made them get bigger. UGH I just really really hope the signature doesn’t fade. Oh well, maybe I’ll meet him one day and I’ll magically be wearing the shorts and he’ll sign them again. Yeaaahhh. Check it out.

Shorts front

Heart him

Shorts back-- Love it

Fuckin A

I took my car in to Landrover to get a scheduled service. It was time. I also told the guy that someone must have side-swiped me in a parking lot b/c the passenger side light cover had broken off and there was a scratch down that side of my car. Obviously that’s not what really happened… What had happened was I was driving to a friends house with Juicy and another friend after the Redskins vs. Eagles game (that we attended) months ago and wanted to take a short cut so I turned down a neighborhood road with really big houses on it (ohhhh prettttyy) but then I realized (while ahem, a little intoxicated) that cars were parked on both sides of the street and the road opening ahead was getting smaller and smaller and I didn’t think I was gonna make it but Juicy said I def could so I floored it and side-swiped some poor chaps car… 5 seconds later thinking aloud “Was that my car? Did I hit something?” and being told “NOoooooo no def not just keep driving” by Juicy and friend. We didn’t go back. My car had minimal damage (thank you SUV) and I’m pretty sure the compact car is missing a side mirror to say the least. Anyways, so my light cover is gone and I want a new one.

I also need a new hitch cover b/c mine mysteriously disappeared. Oh AND my air suspension isn’t working and that’s really important b/c without it I can’t take GiGi rock climbing and stuff (b/c I do that alll the time). Also my all-terrain knob isn’t working so I can’t take her confidently in sand, snow, ice, mud, etc. Those are also things I do alll the time. So as you can see, these things need to be fixed asap! What’s the point in having a bad ass truck if it can’t perform the way it was built to perform?!?

I just got a call from Landrover. Evidently it’s been a whole year since I’ve changed my oil. Nice one me, really good job staying on top of things. He said due to the lack of oil changing my engine needs to be flushed and it also needs an injector service and inductor service in order to run to it’s full potential. I’m all about having GiGi run to her full potential. What I’m not about is spending hundreds of dollars to make that happen. It’s just not feasible. So I asked the cost of these “necessary services”…

Engine Flush: $180.54

Injector Service: $188.64

Induction/ductor whatever service: $204.55

I’m sorry but that’s a bit more than I was expecting to pay today. Do you offer these services for free??… No… not really. I opted out of the second two services even though it hurt my heart to do that to GiGi. Even without injection and induction (whatever that means) my total is still $676 and some change. Enough to put my concert ticket purchasing on hold and my life in perspective. I guess this means no new apartment for me this month. Fuckin A man.

Couldn’t Help Myself

A few minutes ago I was about to close down my computer and leave work. For some unknown reason I decided I wanted to check out the ex’s facebook page. I really don’t know why I do this sometimes. I don’t care what he’s doing, I don’t care about him, I don’t even like him. So I def don’t miss him. Ew no. But I do know that checking his fb page isn’t really normal I guess… that’s why it’s bookmarked in the folder entitled “weirdo”. I know I know. But I don’t care what you think. I think I do it for the same reasons I check anyones fb page… to prove by visual evidence that I’m awesomer than them. Case closed.

Obviously I’m still awesomer than he is; we aren’t even on the same level. He did write  something pretty funny on his (and all of his friends’) wall(s) though… and I’m not giving him credit for it b/c I know he didn’t come up with it. Nothing he ever did or said was original. But I wanted to share it. Ok, it was funny at first. Now, after ten minutes… not as funny, but still… I didn’t just write all that intro for nothing now did I?

Redneck Word of the Day: OBAMA

I bought me a case of beer and drank it obama self

I can hear him saying it ugghh in my head and then he laughs b/c he’s soooo clever. Gross. Puke my face off. I think Republican was his only redeeming feature. And I actually never really knew he was Republican till now. Wow did we have a shallow relationshit or what.

Soccer Moms Can Suck It

People are too sensitive. Pathetic little whiners who can’t take a joke; even a really really really funny one. I was ghcatting with a friend and he sent me a link to the article/email that I’m now writing about. He’s always sending me incredible links. This one is by far my favorite; so lets get to it.

Michael Kinahan is the (former) coach of  the 6 & 7-year-old girls soccer team in Scituate, Massachusetts fabulously named “Green Death“. Seriously. He resigned as coach before the season even started due to the following (amazing) email he sent to parents as a way to introduce himself.

Just read it. Read ALL of it. The beginning of the email might seem mundane but KEEP READING! Trust me. It is so worth it. My favorite lines in the email I’ve made bold so you don’t miss (what I think are) the best parts and the simply genius remarks I’ve made bold & italic. You’re welcome. Ok…  ready to laugh your ass off? I freagin hope so.

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies. Chris Mac will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry to return to the sidelines. Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM. There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours. All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School. Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required. A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices. There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place. If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email). Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct. After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc. We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable. Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of. My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently. According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!

These parents have NO sense of humor. I personally adore the clever Michael Vick reference and laugh out loud at the mention of drug testing 6 year-olds. How is that not funny?!? I just don’t get it. Bar Stool Sports, however, did get it. They’ve already made a t-shirt out of it… and I want it really really bad.

Front

Back

Best t-shirt ever. Love it. Anyways, soo the parents complained to the league causing Coach K to resign. His resignation letter can be found here. And I think it’s a pretty admirable letter. The guys got class. (That’s also the site I copied the whole email from)

I would have loved to have had this guy as my soccer coach. Or at least a mentor or something. Stupid Scituate soccer league.

Thoughts anyone?? Go Coach K… or No Coach K? Buy the t-shirt or burn the t-shirt?

I’m actually being a busy honey bee at work today. I know; shocker. I have lots to tell but no time to write at the moment. I do have time to post my new favorite commercial though. It made me laugh my ass off and rewind to watch it 5 times. It also kind of makes me want a Heineken… I guess that means their advertising department is doing a super fab job. The guys faces are freagin priceless.

Fail

The Banana Chronicles. It’s over. My mom cleaned, semi-organized and rearranged my entire room last week which I was fucking thrilled about; except we have different ideas when it comes to organization, so now I have no idea where anything is. Yes, my room was a total mess before but I still knew where everything was. “You’re looking for the library book you checked out for me 3 weeks ago? It’s at the bottom of the large basket to the left of my bed; there’s a medium sized basket stacked on top of it filled with sweatshirts and 2 pairs of black stilettos.” I’m not kidding, I was that “organized”. I just got used to the so-called mess and it became normal to me.

Well now there’s no more mess. And yes, my room looks pretty awesome. But my camera charger is no where to be found. NO WHERE. It’s not in the new ‘electronics’ drawer my mom created… it’s not plugged into the wall… it’s not on the re-charging station downstairs… it’s not at the office… it’s not in my laptop case… and my mom has no memory of seeing it (she doesn’t even know what it looks like) and no clue as to where it could be. I could have found it in 3 minutes in my messy room. My point is that my camera is dead and right now I have no way of charging it. So I can’t take pictures of bananas; or anything else for that matter. I’m not that upset about the banana thing. That was uber stupid anyways. I am pretty pissed that I can’t charge my camera though. I’ve already missed out on taking pictures last Saturday night when a friend rented a stretch hummer limo for the night (for no special reason) and we partied in Adams Morgan and I’m not happy about it. Other friends took pictures but they always delete the ones they think they look bad in and they always turn out to be ones that I look awesome in. This drives me fucking bonker-nuts. I’ve voiced this to my friends but my opinion falls on drunk deaf ears. They couldn’t care less. Delete.

I highly doubt anyone really felt strongly about the banana chronicles but I felt like I should explain myself anyways. I’m not a quitter; I was sabotaged by my mother, although I can’t really blame her since she spent 10 hours cleaning my atrocious room. In case you were wondering though, the bananas look awful. They’re probably going to get thrown out later tonight.

FYI

It’s funny how things turn out sometimes isn’t it? I hadn’t facebook stalked the ex in months so a few minutes ago I just glanced at his page. We aren’t fb friends but his profile isn’t private. Idiot. Mine def is. But anyways… He’s single.

Now I understand why he called last week. And I also think I may have ESP or something. Last week I called my brother randomly and his gf had just broken up with him 5 minutes earlier and he was getting ready to call me. Weird huh? And I dunno when the ex and his now ex gf broke up and I don’t know why (which is making me reallllly curious) but what if it was around the time that I called him and let it ring once?? What if I’m psychic?

On another note. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (that’s me laughing at the ex). God I hope she dumped him and he has to pack up his shit and move. That would be such sweet sweet payback. Indirect payback, but still, payback all the same. I hope it’s a bitch and I hope you cry for weeks. And I hope you either lose so much weight you look gross or I hope u get fat. Either one works.

I also kinda hope they get back together in a couple days via facebook. Then I’ll know that their relationship is completely dysfunctional. I already know there’s no way it could be normal… he’s half of it. But the breakup makeup cycle is something he’s a big fan of. And it’s crazy.

The Banana Chronicles: 2

Day 2: March 21, 2009.

I’m beginning to realize how stupid this is. I must have been drunk when I came up with this “brilliant” idea b/c a few minutes ago I remembered I had to take a picture of the bananas for my second day entry and thought, “This is the stupidest thing ever… why the fuck am I taking pictures of bananas?” But I can’t stop b/c I’ve already started. So… here’s day two. It looks like they’re getting less green. Woop de freagin doo.

I'm like a chameleon... I change colors

The Banana Chronicles

This is beyond retarded but my mom bought a bunch of bananas and they’re the greenest things I’ve ever seen. Like Wicked Witch green. So in my half drunken stupor last night I took a picture and decided to start a photographic journal, if you will, of their journey to ripeness. Hopefully I will remember to take a picture every night. I already told my mom not to throw them out, even if they do not ripen. Seriously.

Day 1- The Beginning: Wicked Witch Bananas

I'll get you my pretty

I Laughed My Tweet Off

tylerbarnett@rainnwilson do ever respond to people on here? Just curious.

rainnwilson@tylerbarnett No, I never respond to my twisciples.