First things first: Yes, I know. I am going to hell for my blog post title. I’m hoping he’s an understanding dude.
Ok now that that’s out of the way, Second things second: If you throw up at the mention of Twilight… keep reading this. I’m about to attempt to convert you. It’s what I do. I became a slave to the Twilight series thanks to my little cousin…she’s 14… background:
Scene: Thanksgiving dinner
Topic: “Who the HELL is this Edward Cullen I keep hearing about??!?”
My little Tater Tot pipes up,
“OMG! NO! He’s the vampire in the Twilight series. You HAVE to read these books you will LOVE them”
“Tater tot… thank you for your heartfelt recommendation but, I don’t think we enjoy the same reading material”
“No seriously, just read the first one. Trust me it’s so good”
End Scene.
Scene: DC Airport
Topic in head: “What the hell am I gonna do on a plane for 3 1/2 hours?”
Voices in head pipe up, “Why not see what all this Twilight mumbo jumbo is about?”
Hmmm voices in my head, not a bad idea. I buy the first book. Still in denial, I don’t start reading it until I’ve finished my US weekly and People. I beat myself for the rest of the trip for wasting valuable hours reading magazine crap when I could have been reading Twilight. I finish almost 200 pages in an hour. My first dose of crack (aka Twilight) is now flowing through my veins at a sickening rate. I must have more.
I’m in Orlando for a work conference. Do I go to the opening ceremony? I should. I mean, it’s for work I need to go down and meet with the people I’ll be working with this week. But no, I don’t. I don’t even think about going to the opening ceremony. I order room service (grilled cheese, dirt pie and two glasses of red wine… the room service guy tells me I have very mature taste. This seems to be a theme. He’s an idiot, that was the best dinner I’ve ever had) and curl up on the bed ready for more crack… errr.. I mean Twilight. I read 200 more pages. My body unwillingly shuts down and I fall asleep. sigh.
The next morning, my new drug is all I can think about. Work be damned! But unfortunately, work cannot be damned to hell. Work is waiting for me downstairs. I must shower. If only I was a vampire and I didn’t need to sleep! How amazing my (un)life would be!
After the longest day I’ve ever experienced I finally retreat to my room. My phone rings. It’s one of my sorority sisters from college. She lives in Orlando and she wants to hang out. I haven’t seen this girl in over a year… My drugs will have to wait.
We go out downtown Orlando style and I have a blast to be honest. The weather is warm and the drinks keep coming. Every bar we go to has my favorite drink (Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka) and I’m a happy happy drunk girl. The night ends around 2 AM and I find myself back in my hotel room, wasted… the Twilight book is glaring at me from my bed. “Reaaaad me” it says. “I’ve been waiting all day to read you” I respond. (No, I don’t actually talk to the books)
I get under the covers, pop a xanax out of habit (to relax and sleep) and open the book. Then it hits me… I am really really drunk. So drunk that I am barely able to make out the words on the page. NO! (anguish and despair fill my voice and head) WHY did I do this?!?? All I wanna do is read Twilight and now I’ve gone and become so obliterated that I’m unable to do the only thing that makes me happy. I all but cry, but I am not willing to give up so easily. I fold a piece of paper in half and hold it up to the book to try to keep the lines straight so I can read them. I have to focus harder than I think I’ve ever done before, squinting my eyes and even at one point shutting one eye completely to try to read the words. After a while my eyes fail me and I fall asleep.
The next day comes and goes and I again am back in my hotel room with my beloved. I mean my book. I finish it. . . . . Now what? Shit. I hadn’t thought about what I would do when it was over. I’m not prepared! I’m in a hotel room in the middle of Disney World with no transportation and no more crack! ARRRGGG NOOOO!
I call the front desk, “Is there a bookstore nearby?”
She tells me that the closest one would be downtown Orlando. I fume. When and how am I gonna be able to get to a bookstore?! I have no car and honestly the whole time I’ve been reading Twilight I should have been working on, well, work.
I get on gchat to alert my friends of my new addiction. One friend, Pancey, God bless her, tells me that Stephenie Meyer is writing the books now from Edwards perspective and someone has ingeniusly leaked the first 13 chapters onto the Internet. I scour the Internet to find it, it’s not hard. I sigh a deep sigh of relief as a curl up with my computer and continue reading. Thank you Pancey, thank you.
I finish the leaked chapters in my spare time in a day and a half. I hadn’t realized how empty I would feel knowing that after 13 chapters I had to stop reading, right when it was getting good too. Now I have to wait until she publishes the books and who knows when that’ll be. Ughhhhh, well, that will have to do for now. What else can I do? Nada. I guess that’s why you shouldn’t download illegal copies of unfinished books. Lesson learned.
Scene: Orlando Airport
Problem: No bookstore, the little news stores are sold out of book #2. Agony ensues.
Solution: There is no solution. I pout. (I’m really good at pouting)
End Scene.
Scene: Christmas Morning, my house.
Scenario: I’m expecting the Twilight collectors edition hardcover books under the tree (yes, I asked my mom for it AND showed it to her on amazon.com) this is the only reason I haven’t bought New Moon yet (book #2). I’ve been patiently waiting.
Problem: Presents are all opened… No collectors edition.
Note to Mom: I loved the Ugg boots, Redskins gear and bad ass camera you got me. However, you as a gift giver FAIL.
End Scene.
Scene: Middle of nowhere Texas (visiting family after Christmas)
Scenario: We pass a bookstore. I have a seizure in the back seat, “STOP THE CAR!”
God bless you dad for stopping. I run in and quickly grab the other 3 books in the series. I’ve learned the hard way what happens when you don’t buy crack in bulk. An old man and his son are snickering at the huge display of Twilight books.
Old man: “I just don’t understand. What is it about these books?”
Son: “No idea, They’re for little girls, they love them.”
Me (disgusted by their judgements): “They’re really good, you should really read them.”
Old man: “I think I’m a little old for that honey.”
Me: “I thought I was too but I was wrong. (yelling now b/c they’re walking away) You’re never too old for an amazing book! YOU SHOULD REALLY TRY THEM YOU WONT BE SORRY!”
I give up. They’re obviously not open to trying new things. Stupid Texans.
I take my books to the counter. I see a 30% off all young adult books sign. I point this out to the clerk as he’s ringing up my $75 worth of crack.
Clerk: “Oh, yeah, the Twilight series is actually categorized under ‘young teen’, not ‘young adult’.”
My dad finds this hilarious. Damn you dad, shouldn’t you be paying for this?
I blush but am not ashamed. “Well, that’s ridiculous. I’m 24 and I can’t get enough of these books.”
The clerk laughs. He laughs at me, “Well they must be good then.”
Me: “They ARE good! They’re amazing, you should read them. You’ll see.”
I turn on the clerk and stalk out the door. Too excited about my new drugs to give a care about what anyone thinks.
The rest of the trip is a blur. What was supposed to be a week full of fun family ventures has turned into me trying to act normal while I’m filled with thoughts of New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I’m obsessed. I’m in a room with my mother and keep her up every night while I read till 3 or 4 AM. I ditch the family and lay out at the pool all day one day to try to finish Eclipse before we have to go out to dinner. I carry my books everywhere. On the fourth day in Texas I finish Breaking Dawn at 1 AM. I cry. Don’t hate, it was a really touching moment.
Mom: “Honey are you ok?”
Me: “I, I, I’m done with the series. Wahhhhhhh.” (not really that extreme… it was more like silent tears escaping my eyes)
Mom: “Well that’s good right? You’ve been reading all week to finish them! They were good weren’t they?”
She means so well.
Me: “Yeah but now what do I do? I know that Bella and Edward are out there and I want to know what they’re doing NOW! Why would you end a series like that? They live forever! They never sleep! Do you know how many stories that could be!? I mean, the Volturi are gonna come back and want to see Renesmee in a few years when she’s all grown up. How could Stephenie Meyer just leave it hanging like that? I wanna know what happens with Nessie and Jacob when she’s old enough to date! Will Bella’s mom ever be let in on the secret? What about her dad? Will it be hard for her to watch her father age knowing she never will? Will Bella and Edward ever get sick of having sex? Will Rosalie and Bella be BFF now? I WANNA KNOW!”
My mom looks at me like I may have lost my mind. It’s not my fault, drugs do bad things to good people.
I keep rambling about vampires and werewolves and how my mom should read the books b/c there’s a subtle religious theme to them and I think she would like them (she’s very religious). She scoffs at me.
Me: “They’re good vampires they dont bite people ever, they feed off animal blood. They have souls mom!”
Mom: “Ok ok can we go to bed now?”
How can I sleep with all these unanswered questions?! Doesn’t anyone care? I take xanax. Xanax cares.
Scene: New Years Day Dinner with the WHOLE family.
Set: Me, my brother, my little cousin Tater Tot, my middle cousin Beck and her friend Steph.
Topic of conversation: Twilight, of course.
Evidently Beck (Only two and a half years younger than me) was the first one to read the books and turned her little sister on to them. I feel immensely better about myself. We chat animatedly about the books for the remainder of dinner much to my brothers dismay.
End Scene.
Conclusion
After reading the Harry Potter series when I was 12 years old I never thought I’d find a group of books to top it. Witches are definitely not as cool as vampires. Twilight was the best series I’ve ever read. Maybe it helps that I was obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a pre-teen (hell, and teenager) and basically just obsessed with the thought of possible vampires in this world (it intrigues me to say the least) but I think that anyone who gives these books a chance with an open mind will be hooked. Crack doesn’t discriminate.
With all the hoopla surrounding these books I’ve made it my duty to set the record straight. Cool people read Twilight. I know this b/c I am cool (ask anyone) and I was not immune to the Cullen Cult. So instead of admit defeat and proclaim myself a nerd I’m taking the opposite route. Anyone who doesn’t love Twilight is not only a nerd, but a stupid one. How could you not love Twilight? Who could not want an Edward in their lives?!? It doesn’t make sense.
In a world where one night stands and group dates are the norm, people (yes, I guess mostly girls/women) yearn for someone to say they will love you forever and mean it. And we’ve all been there. He says he will love you forever… but he wont. You find that out a year or two later. The difference is obvious: Edward came back. He didn’t go hook up with other girls and decide he missed Bella after all, he didn’t go on a drinking binge with his friends and get lonely, he came back because he really really loved her forever. That (among other things) is the main reason I think these books appeal to my age generation. Edward is a gentleman. It made me realize that I’ve never met a gentleman. Maybe they don’t exist? But it made me want one. And hell, I think I deserve one.
So yes, maybe Twilight ruined me in my quest for a boyfriend but maybe it actually saved me from another asshole and two years of heartache. Twilight gave me new standards. That’s what a guy should be willing to do for a girl he loves. That’s how it should be. And if a guy cant meet my standards then he can fuck off and I’ll spend my dateless nights writing letters to Stephenie Meyer begging for more books. At least I’ll be STD free though. =) So suck on that Twilight haters. Suck. On. That.
I’ll see you in hell.
