No Good Very Bad Saturday Morning

Daniel told Kendra last night that we hooked up. Her and Juicy showed up at my house this morning (to get their stuff) and for Kendra to confront me. I didn’t deny it, she had details. Daniel is such a piece of shit. Shes not even really mad so much as she is sad and let down and thinks im full of shit which is even worse than her being mad at me b/c I love that girl. Ughh Fuck Fuck. So she lost her phone battery and I cant call her till she finds it, but I’ve left her two messages. I reallly really really hope she forgives me I dunno what I’ll do if she doesn’t. It was SUCH a stupid mistake to make out with Daniel. I never even liked him. I’m so mad at myself. If I just lost my best friend. There are going to be some very depressing posts to come.

Juicy still loves me. She said she was glad I hadn’t told her b/c she wouldn’t have known what to do (tell Kendra or keep a secret). She said honestly she probably woulda told Kendra. So anyways I’m gonna go hang out with her today. It’s really pretty outside. Too bad I feel shitty =(

Drunk Girls aka Me & My Best Friends

I can’t focus on work at all right now. So I’m just giving up. It’s 3:30.

I’ve decided to leave at 4 anyways (without telling my boss) b/c I’m going skiing this weekend and I wanna get there NOW! There’s like 25 of us going and we’re all staying in a huge cabin and most people took the day off work but I couldn’t b/c we had a lunch meeting and I’m really really outta sick days or any kind of personal leave. Omg, please look at what a long sentence that was. Sounds like I’m 5 years old, that’s amazing.

Anyblue, Juicy’s waiting for me to get off work and we’re driving together. I’m really excited to just lounge around in a cabin castle in sweats and drink all weekend. Oh and ski. Drink and Ski and Lounge and Drink some more.

I’m in a room with Juicy… and a really really really hot British boy. We just met him last night. He literally is here for .5’s boyfriends birthday (they’re good friends) and to ski, and is then going back to London or wherever.

British boy is so sexy. Tall, dark, handsome, broad shoulders, amazing accent, omg. So I’m freaking out b/c last night was .5’s boyfriends birthday celebration and I didn’t feel like going out b/c of Wednesday night.

Omg. I didn’t tell y’all about Wednesday night. HaH! Here, it’s kind of amazing…

Went with a girlfriend (let’s call her Honey) to a bar in Arlington to celebrate her getting a new job (finally) and to maybe meet with Russian boy. She has one beer. I compensate for her lack of drinking by consuming 5 or 6 double vodka soda’s. I forgot I was ordering doubles. Typical.

Russian comes around drink 3 or 4. Buys me a tequila shot. Perf. Just what I need. I look at phone, it’s barely 9:30. I am obliterated beyond belief, I rarely get this drunk. I never get this drunk at a restaurant pub at happy hour. But here I am, Drunk as shit. (I guess I’m back to saying shit again… shit).

Honey has to drive me home and assures me I didn’t make an ass of myself. We get to her house and I beeline to her room to pass out on her bed (even though I never asked if that was ok). I’ve been laying down for 20 seconds when I realize that it feels like everything is still moving… really fast. We all know what that means.

I can honestly say that I’ve always made it to the toilet to puke (not always the bathroom… but if you’re outside I think bushes are fair game). Throwing up is a Godsend. It’s like life cant get any worse and then you throw up and everythings all better again. Really does anything else in life just make everything all better again? B/c mom’s kisses don’t work (she was lying).

I then text Shizzam and tell him I love him and I will marry him in 5 years if I’m not married by then and that I’m going to make him an Aston Martin balloon animal. I have no idea where that came from. But I know I said it, I’ve got BBM (blackberry messenger) proof. WTF is wrong with me. Pass out on couch. All this happens before 11 o’clock pm.

That was Wednesday night.

So I’d say that was a rough night. Now we’re supposed to go out Thursday and drink more for .5’s bf’s birthday. Well, I’m a trooper. So although I hadn’t showered (I know, sick) I put on a cute dress, tights and heels (tights mainly b/c I hadn’t shaved) and Juicy comes over to drive together. We discuss our game plan. We both decide that we have a big weekend ahead of us and we have to work Friday and should only have like one drink.

Yeah fucking right. We say that shit all the time, “oh we’ll only have one” “yeah I’m really tired I really need to go to bed early tonight” but I cant remember a single time it happened.

On the way to the bar I told her I invited the Russian (he texted me about it, he says I invited him, I don’t remember doing this but tell him to come anyways). She’s really excited to meet him. She tells me she invited this kid we met at a bar two weeks ago, we’ll call him Waldo. He was wearing a red hat when we met him. He paid for our drinks that night. He was kinda funny. So Russian and Waldo are supposedly coming.

Then we realize that this is the night we get to meet hot British boy. We’ve all been g-chatting and facebook and gay stuff like that about the ski trip. So we know he’s hot and hilarious. Fuckin A. I should have showered.

This was the funniest night I’ve had in a long long time but ughhh I don’t have time to describe it b/c I’ve gotta go. I’ll write on the ski trip probably (drunk definitely) but I’ve gotta go home and pack and leave. I’m SORRY!

I will tell you that Juicy got so drunk she put her sunglasses on, frowned and didnt speak for 2 hours. During this time she also swayed aimlessly to music, drank more, and tried her damn hardest to get British boy wrapped around her finger. Bless her heart. I looked over at one point and she was making out with him, or trying to. I looked away, it was too painful to watch. She fucked herself over and she can’t even remember doing it.

He’s such a good sport he basically took care of her most of the night but .5 later told me he thinks shes kind of a nut case. So, that’s a score for me since we’re all in the same room together this weekend and I didn’t get that drunk last night. I did get drunk, but it was a very manageable and normal drunk.

Russian came. We made out. He thinks I’m irresistible (he seriously said that). Friends like him a lot.

Waldo may be the next American Psycho. We will never be hanging out with him again.

Juicy spent $90 somehow. I spent $8. The 8 dollars I spent was on chicken fingers to try to sober Juicy up. She ate the piece of lettuce they came on. The boys ate the chicken fingers.

Ok I’m out guys! Have an awesome weekend everyone! I cant wait to find out what happens this weekend. It better be good.

The Girl Next Door Meets Her Match

Elisha Cuthbert had boys and men salivating in The Girl Next Door. Hell, even women had to act quick to close their gaping mouths. Remember?

I'm all wet can I come in?

This is not a post about Elisha Cuthbert. Sorry if you’re a fan. This more important.

Has anyone noticed recently that guys seem fixated on girls with an ethnic edge? B/c I’ve noticed it. And frankly it’s starting to really piss me off.

Even when a guy is totally into me he’s gotta throw a “Oh I’d totally fuck Rihanna that girl is so fuckin hot” out there. Thanks dude. It’s completely impossible for me to ever even aspire to look like Rihanna. So thanks for reminding me that I’m the whitest white girl ever and that evidently being a member of the Aryan race isn’t cool anymore.

Your boyfriend thinks I'm hotter than you

Since when the fuck is being a pretty white girl who also happens to be awesome not good enough? This all came to a head today when I was chatting with Shizzam on g-chat. He sent me a link to pictures from him and friends at some club/bar to show me the girl he now wants to marry (she’s busted) but I looked through the whole album and was shocked that Shizz’s friend (we’ll call him G b/c I don’t see me ever mentioning him again) cleans up hella good and looked really hot.

So I asked Shizz if G had a gf…

Shizz: he is gay

11:19 AM me: really?

Shizz: no

me: ok

…

11:20 AM Shizz: lol

11:21 AM me: so what youre saying is

Shizz: he is straight

me: ok

and gf?

11:22 AM Shizz: nope

me: ok

So now I am genuinely confused. Why would Shizz not be like, “Omg you’re right! You two would make a perfect match bla bla bla I’ll hook you up!”?? This is why…

Shizz: he likes Asians

trust me

me: FUCK

Shizz: he is ruthless

me: UGHHWhat ever happened to guys wanting the white “girl next door” type?!?

when the fuck did white girls become not good enough

how does that happen?

I’m fucking moving to Asia

11:28 AM maybe ill be a hot commodity there

fuck this im sick of guys wanting an ethnic girl

sorry im super white and have a fantastic ass and perky boobs

11:29 AM sorry my blonde hair and blue eyes are too cute for you

sorry I get really pale in the winter

SHIZZ!

ARE YOU LISTENING

He wasn’t. So I did a little research on behalf of the Lauren Conrads of the world. I think I’m on to something. Yes Brody Jenner is kinnnd of a manwhore but he’s also pretty hot (at least I thought so till I read during researching that he’s only 5′9 1/2… too bad, sucha waste of a face).

Anyways, Lauren and Brody were a really cute couple.

Aren't we perfect?

Am I wrong? It’s just looks natural. It’s freagin Barbie and Ken! Come ON people this is the American dream for Christ sake.

But Brody didn’t want the American dream. Brody was thinking above the American dream. He wanted to expand his reach. (Maybe this is an alpha male thing?) He wanted Canada Jayde Nicole.

I've come to take your men

Ok so Canada isn’t really known for its ethnicity. But boys are stupid. And she looks kinda ethnic. Therefor she is. Period.

Next.

I'm a hot douchebag daddy

Next we have Tom Brady whom is a very interesting case study. 1) b/c he’s so hot. 2) b/c he seems to have no morals. and 3) he’s reached super fame and still thinks banging a supermodel makes him cooler. Ugh. Boys boys boys.

He was dating adorable Bridget Moynahan who hails from NY.

You're mom's gonna love me

Yes we ARE perfect. Thank you!

And they were perf together. Until he…

Gets her preggers. Dumps her. Decides he wants a girl with a Brazilian a Brazilian girl. Not just any Brazilian… no…a Brazilian supermodel who really only needs the one name.

Gisele.

Could I look any better than I do right now? No... no I don't think so

So what’s interesting about this is he did the opposite of Brody really. He had brunette (and Bridget can look super bangin when she wants to) and he switched to blond. I’ve always thought Gisele looked all American to be honest with you. In that “way hotter than American b/c I’m from Brazil” kinda way. It’s almost inhuman. I’m serious.

Like you cannot tell me that Adriana Lima was just born one day like the rest of us. There’s no way.

This doesn't just happen

I think that the Victoria’s Secret Angels are probably robots or aliens of some sort. Maybe even vampires. And I think there are other robots and aliens (or vampires) who refused to conform to their Angel ways but are still so hot that they’re famous anyways.

Like, for instance, Megan Fox maybe?

I'm too cool to be an Angel

Or maybe (lets go a little younger)… Vanessa Hudgens?

I think I'll give Disney a shot and try to find my male equivalent

That’s not the best picture of her. But we all know that kid is hot.

As an All American girl next door type, I’m scared. What if they make more of them? What if they eat All American girls for breakfast? (Megan Fox looks like she would devour me in a second without even thinking about it)

If they do I hope they start with Heidi Montag, b/c she sucks so much ass it’s not even funny.

Who me?!?

Yes you, you nasty whore. In fact. I think she may have single-handedly killed the All American girl next door fixation men used to have. Just sucking like she does would have done it but no, she had to go and be all “go McCain I love America!” on us. Well shit.

I love America but I can’t spell it!

If you didn’t know before that she was American. You do now. And she ruined it for all of us. No wonder Lauren hates her.

I could kill that Heidi bitch

Anyways. I guess I’m done ranting. Conclusion? Hell if I know. I guess I’ll go get some hair extensions and maybe one green contact to make my eyes stand out and be different. Just one contact though. I’ll be like Kate Bosworth but not emaciated. Like in Blue Crush minus 5 pounds of muscle.

Blogging really is the best therapy though b/c now that I’m done… I don’t really care that guys seem to want girls who are exotic and inhuman. I like being human. So those guys can just fuck off. They’re obviously compensating for something.

Most of them will come crawling back sooner or later. Boys always want what they don’t have.

And come on. Lauren is completely adorable.

oops, I did it again

Why didn’t I go to bed 5 hours ago?? Whhhhhhhhy

Nothing Good Ever Happens After Midnight…

I am the Devil.

No, not really, that would be crazy. Evil maybe. Awful friend. Conniving. Thoughtless. Those would all work. You could also say that I’m a bitch, two-faced, etc, etc. How do I get myself into these situations? Oh wait, I know, I find them extremely entertaining and exciting. Damn. I may have a few issues.

So, story time kids, gather round!

Background: I have this really good friend, lets call her Kendra. Kendra has been dating this boy, lets call him Daniel, on and off but mostly on for a year and a half. They break up alot, its really bad. They should really move on. From the moment I met Daniel he flirted with me like crazy. He’s a cool guy other than the fact that he’s a lousy boyfriend so I coyly flirted back when Kendra wasn’t around but I was never obvious at all. (yes I know, I’m already an awful person) moving on. They broke up like ohhhhh 3 days ago? Mayyyyybe 4. And the story begins…

Last Night: I’m at a bar with a friend (who is also very good friends with Kendra) watching Monday Night Football. After the game, guess who walks in the bar…? Daniel, duh. The friend I’m with, lets call her Juicy (I know, that’s weird, but I like it), goes, “Oh my God Daniel just walked in”. I wanna go say hi and Juicy says we shouldn’t because of Kendra. She’s a loyal friend. I am a piece of awfulness. We say hi on our way out the door and he tells me he wants me to stay. I say no (don’t praise me yet). I drive Juicy home and then…

Yeah. Uh huh. I went back to the bar. Why? I really don’t know. I was bored, he’s fun, I didn’t wanna go home yet…There could be many reasons but none of them are good. So, Enter Bar for the second time. He’s excited, as he should be, I’m awesome. We hang out for a while (meaning we play pool and make out like we are the only people in the bar… however we are not the only people in the bar at all). And no I wasn’t the kissing instigator; but being a participant is just as bad. Bar closes. We go to his friends house and hang out for another hour, drunk. At this point I’m already feeling totally guilty and wondering what I’m doing there. I take him back to his car even though I don’t want to. I just wanna go home. But he needs a ride, so I do. And then I go home.

I am fucked. He likes me. Yeah, he told me. And wants to go out again. Like a date. Fuck that. My friends are going to KILL me if they find out what I did. And by kill me, I mean hate me and not be my friend anymore and spread nasty gossip along the lines of “whore” “bitch” “slut” “fake” “not trustworthy”. Yeah. They cant find out. That was such a bad idea. And I can’t believe he has the nerve to say we should go out on a date. Ugh and Ew. I wouldn’t never date him b/c he’s just completely not my type of guy (he doesn’t have a good job, car, money, degree of any sort. I’m so superficial, I know. Don’t hate). So why do I find stuff like this so fun? I really do love these girls with all my heart. Kendra’s especially my favorite why did I do this?!? Ugh this is awful. Let’s hope they’re not bloggers. Wouldn’t that be my fuckin luck.

Where I belong…

Key West. Seriously. Just got back Monday from 4 days there and 4 days was not enough at ALL. I’m so depressed right now being back home its pathetic. I know that probably always happens on vacation but I honestly felt just completely content down there. It’s my kind of lifestyle. Who says you have to conform to this stupid corporate way of life anyways? and what is success? whatever it is im probably never gonna make the money i need to make to consider myself “successful” so why not just go be happy and be successful at that?

I tried to explain that to my dad… he did not follow as well as i thought he would.

So i could tell you about my trip to key west but i would just be very very sad thinking about all the fun i had. so… highlights…

1. We got kicked out of a pet store… crazy old woman

2. I was interviewed on the 11 o’clock news by a pretty hot reporter (not a girls gone wild thing, like real news) however I was prettttty drunk

3. We made cool local friends, woohoo

4. We made non-local friends that were obsessed with us, creepy

5. I did not pay for one single drink. now that’s success.

6. We only had one day of Hurricaning weather (thank you Gustav) and it was really cool, I thoroughly enjoyed the wind and rain and thats what I told the reporter. (you can only imagine a drunk skantily clad girl going “who CARES if its raining!?!? ITS KEY WEST!!” oh jeez thank God it was local… all the way to miami… shit

7. I got to hold a huge snake (think Britney Spears) AND 3 parrots and an iguana at the same time.

8. We rode bikes everywhere!

9. When I got home (sad)  I went to a Jimmy Buffett concert that night, PERFECT. It was awesome!!

So there ya go. I am now looking for jobs in Key West. If i sell my car I’ll have a really good amount of money for a down payment on a house and a scooter haha and a bike too. Damn I love my car though. God I hate work.