Excuse Me While I Freak The Fuck Out For A Second

I’m just gonna say what I’m thinking b/c I don’t know how else to start it off…. My heart hurts. Why. What the Fuck. Maybe it’s a mistake. No it’s def not a mistake. This really really sucks a big one. I kinda wanna cry. I kinda wanna call and bitch. I kinda wanna crawl in a hole. I kinda want them all to see me out tonight having a fucking blast. I hope her birthday fucking sucks balls and her nasty boyfriend breaks up with her.  Unbelievable. What a SLutch.

I’ve known Mex (girl) for I guess two years now. She’s part of Juicy’s highschool crew. I’m tight with Juicy’s friends. I can’t believe I just said tight, but you know; like I’d call Mex to see what she was doing sometimes and not just see her out with Juicy. That’s close, in my opinion. We even talked about living together when her boyfriend dumped her, but then they got back together a couple weeks later and she moved back in with him. I invited her to my birthday. Ok whatever, we’re friends is what I’m getting at. Or at least I fucking thought we were. Fucking girls man.

Yesterday I noticed on my facebook mini feed that everyone was writing on everyone elses wall about Friday night and how much fun it was gonna be and they cant wait to see each other bla bla bla. So I’m thinking… What the hell?! I’m always included in this kind of shit. There should be a notification waiting for me that says someone wrote on my wall about Friday night. But no, there’s no notification like that.

So I’m thinking this must be a mistake; an oversight. I’d already been gchatting with Juicy so I asked her what she was doing this weekend. She avoided the question for 5 whole minutes by talking about other stuff before in all caps I asked again what she was doing this weekend. She finally said Mex’s birthday on Friday night, no plans Saturday except looking at apartments with me. That’s it. No “You’re coming right?” or “Wanna go together?” or “What are you gonna wear?” like she normally would say. She just asked me what I was doing this weekend.

I was stunned. Seriously. So stunned that I ignored her for a few minutes and gchatted Pancey asking what she was doing this weekend. She said going out to dinner for Mex’s birthday and then home b/c she had to get up early bla bla bla. No invite. Same thing. She asked what I was doing this weekend.

Honestly I already had plans for Friday night. A friend of BFF’s is coming in town and we’re taking her out in Georgetown. But that’s beside the point. At any other point in time they both would have said that we should all try to meet up sometime during the night since we’ll both be downtown. But they didn’t. They kept their mouths shut. And I’m fucking pissed about it.

On a highly related note; Kendra still isn’t talking to me. On Wednesday night she texted me and said, “Did you sleep with Daniel? And don’t lie to me- a mutual friend said you did-  be honest”. ARE YOU SERIOUS!? Is what I thought. When I saw I had a text from Kendra I kinda got a little excited thinking she was over it all and wanted to hang out. Not the case. Back to square one basically.

I shoulda just said no but I was too pissed and surprised and probably overcompensated. I know I overcompensated. I always do that. It stems from the ex; he always thought I was lying so I had to defend myself all the time and I would start defending myself before he ever even accused me of lying b/c I knew that he thought he knew that I was gonna lie before I even opened my mouth. Does that make sense? So I sound like I’m lying when I’m telling the truth, b/c I over-think everything and over-explain and defend myself. My response to Kendra? “I would never ever even THINK about sleeping with Daniel. I swear on my mothers life… and I Never do that”. Yeaaahh… Shoulda just said no.

Anyways, she didn’t respond back. I told Juicy this and she said Kendra hadn’t said anything to her about it and she thought Kendra probably just made up the whole “mutual friend told me” thing to see what I’d say. I concur. That sounds like something Kendra would do, and I can only think of one mutual friend (Anna) who would say something like that… and that seems really low; even for Anna.

When the whole Daniel thing went down it seemed like everyone was being really mature about the whole situation. I was so fucking relieved. No one did the whole “choosing sides” bit (which was my biggest worry since they’ve all known each other since 9th grade and I’ve only been in the group for 2 year) and everyone was genuinely distraught that Kendra and I weren’t talking. I guess I never stopped to think how it would effect our big ‘girls night’ parties or things like birthday parties. Well now I know. And it fucking sucks. I can’t- in all fairness- be too pissed at Mex. I know she just wants to have a good time on her birthday and not deal with any drama and probably doesn’t want Kendra to feel uneasy. But I AM pissed at Mex. I’m pissed at all of them.

In order to successfully not invite me they all must have talked about it; otherwise someone would have invited me. B/c I’m their fucking friend and I should be there. I feel really really betrayed. And I had to vent about it. I could vent about other things right now but I am so late BFF is gonna kill me. I think I may drunk text Kendra later, I can feel it. The rage is building. This could be interesting.

Fail

The Banana Chronicles. It’s over. My mom cleaned, semi-organized and rearranged my entire room last week which I was fucking thrilled about; except we have different ideas when it comes to organization, so now I have no idea where anything is. Yes, my room was a total mess before but I still knew where everything was. “You’re looking for the library book you checked out for me 3 weeks ago? It’s at the bottom of the large basket to the left of my bed; there’s a medium sized basket stacked on top of it filled with sweatshirts and 2 pairs of black stilettos.” I’m not kidding, I was that “organized”. I just got used to the so-called mess and it became normal to me.

Well now there’s no more mess. And yes, my room looks pretty awesome. But my camera charger is no where to be found. NO WHERE. It’s not in the new ‘electronics’ drawer my mom created… it’s not plugged into the wall… it’s not on the re-charging station downstairs… it’s not at the office… it’s not in my laptop case… and my mom has no memory of seeing it (she doesn’t even know what it looks like) and no clue as to where it could be. I could have found it in 3 minutes in my messy room. My point is that my camera is dead and right now I have no way of charging it. So I can’t take pictures of bananas; or anything else for that matter. I’m not that upset about the banana thing. That was uber stupid anyways. I am pretty pissed that I can’t charge my camera though. I’ve already missed out on taking pictures last Saturday night when a friend rented a stretch hummer limo for the night (for no special reason) and we partied in Adams Morgan and I’m not happy about it. Other friends took pictures but they always delete the ones they think they look bad in and they always turn out to be ones that I look awesome in. This drives me fucking bonker-nuts. I’ve voiced this to my friends but my opinion falls on drunk deaf ears. They couldn’t care less. Delete.

I highly doubt anyone really felt strongly about the banana chronicles but I felt like I should explain myself anyways. I’m not a quitter; I was sabotaged by my mother, although I can’t really blame her since she spent 10 hours cleaning my atrocious room. In case you were wondering though, the bananas look awful. They’re probably going to get thrown out later tonight.

You Can Do Anything… If You Know How

I was reading Liz’s Blog the other day about her adventures with Google Analytics. It sounded really cool and I decided that I needed this analytical thing for my blog. I’m really big on doing things all by myself b/c I think I’m a genius and can do anything so I went to Google Analytics and it said I needed to purchase an upgrade for my blog so that I could customize css. Then it says this is only recommended for people who are already very familiar and comfortable with using css. I am neither of those things. I don’t even know what css stands for. Continual streaming something? But like, how hard can it be? Right?

Without a second thought I buy the upgrade; it’s only $15. Then I add the code (that I copied and pasted) to the current css theme code or whatever of my page and pat myself on the back (mentally) for being such an incredibly smart bad ass mofo.

Whatever I did… it didn’t work. B/c google analytics… isn’t analyzing anything. There’s just an exclamation point in a yield type sign under my “status”. And I don’t even know what I really did in the first place so I cant go back and fix it. UGHH WHY can’t I understand computer language?? How can it possibly be this hard?? Why did I spend two drinks worth of money on something I don’t know how to use?!?

I need a computer nerd friend really bad. But I’d probably just tell them that they weren’t needed b/c I can do everything myself. Stupid pride.

I Hate People

I told y’all that Daniel and Kendra broke up and that during the breakup he told her we hooked up right? I think I did. Anyways so Kendra and I still aren’t friends again yet. She said she needs time to get over everything but really we’re just growing further and further apart and it fucking sucks (like a dog pissing in your new Fendi bag, that’s how much it sucks). I’ve called her, written her emails, etc. trying to reach out to her and so she doesn’t just forget about my existence but she hasn’t reached back. Daniel, in my opinion, ruined my friendship with Kendra; out of spite. Just to kick her when she was already down. He’s a sucky person.

He just texted me. The fucking Nerve. I quote, “If you don’t have anywhere to watch the games im in the back bar of rb working come by.” First off, your grammar is atrocious. Secondly, I always have somewhere to go you idiot. And thirdly, FUCK YOU DANIEL. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!

So I answered, which I normally don’t do. But I did. I felt inclined to text a “Fuck You”. It’s short,  simple and unmistakably to the point. If I see this kid I seriously will punch him in the face. I will not even try to avoid the face area; I’m going right for it. And I hope to cause damage that will haunt him for life. I also hope he doesn’t press charges. B/c that would suck (like dog piss in Fendi bag suck).

A Letter To Beyonce

Dear Beyoncé,

I really loved you back in the days of Destiny’s Child. A lot. The song “Survivor” was the reason I began wearing camo again, and I still do to this day.

Thank you for this. I love camo.

I was kind of obsessed with “Independent Woman” from Charlie’s Angels… the beginning is ingrained in my head forever, “Lucy Lui… with my girl Drew… Cameron D, and Destiny… Charlie’s Angels. Come on.” It’s amazing. Seriously.

We all know you didn’t need a group though. You’re a one-name woman. One-name women don’t need groups. Can you imagine Madonna in one? No, didn’t think so.

I didn’t buy your 2003 album but I remember really liking the singles. “Crazy in Love” and “Baby Boy” (with Sean Paul) were awesome. I honestly can’t believe that was so long ago. Anyways Beyoncé, my point is you blossomed. We all saw it. Including Jay-Z.

You know, Jay-Z… the rap mogul… the man to which there is no white male comparison… the man you dated for years and then married last year?!? Ya know…. him.

I'm too upset to think of a caption

He’s a big enough reason alone to hate you. I mean seriously people like you and people like him really shouldn’t be allowed to get married. It’s like incest. It’s hoarding the wealth. It makes normal people feel like there’s no hope.

He’s not the reason I dislike you though. B/c he’s just not cute to me. Money don’t make you cute. Even billions of it. But I’m happy for you guys, really I am. I would have sent y’all a wedding present but I’m pretty sure you already own one of everything and anything in the world. But… congrats anyways!

On to the main point of my letter.

Your songs are really starting to piss the hell outta me.

“Single Ladies”?? “All the single ladies, now put your hands up… if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it…” Ummmm… You’re not single. You can’t be one of us Beyoncé, you got married bitch. You can’t just be in any “club” you wanna be in. Especially when you marry Mr. Most Eligible Bachelor Ever.

I’ve never raised my hand or danced to this song. You’re a fake. Who the hell writes these songs anyways?!? Single Ladies Club is for single girls only.

“If I Were A Boy”… Again… Who the fuck are you talking about? I HATE songs that are the opposite of the lives the singers are leading. (Main reason I never could get into “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne… You’re married, shutup you stupid Canadian. Stop jumping up and down like that you look like a fool.)

That’s another thing…

The Dance hands. Everywhere I go. Everyone is doing you’re stupid spirit/dance hands. Big black men and little white boys unite, through the worst dance move ever. I’m so over it. No one thought it was cool when the varsity cheerleaders at our high school did it (I did, but I was one of them) and ten years later BAM they’re cool??? I’m confused. And very bitter.

Check out my cool new dance

I’m sorry. It’s probably just my “wanna be famous really bad” gene that’s lashing out right now. Or my “today I’d rather hang out on my yacht” gene. It’s not my fault, it’s genetic.

Honestly I’d really like to meet you b/c you seem pretty cool. I just wanna see what you really look like. Then I can rest easy knowing how much Hollywood really uses photoshop. Seriously. Your appearance changes more than any celeb I’ve ever seen.

Why BEYONCE! What long lean LEGS you have!

GOSH You look skinny

And then…

Oh Thank GOD the world is back to normal again

Hello Thighs! I've missed you!

I’m not calling a sister fat. 1. B/c I’m not black and therefor I don’t feel comfortable saying “sister” and 2. b/c I honestly don’t think you’re fat. So either you’ve got awful stretch marks (I don’t doubt you do) or photoshop is freagin amazing. I’m thinking both statements are true.

So I don’t care what you look like. You’ve always been cute to me. Be who you are. With that said…  I wish you would stick to the songs that are true to you… Like my favorite song of the moment, DIVA.

You fuckin go girl. That song kicks serious ass.

Also I think you should redistribute the wealth. It’s what Obama would want. And I know you voted for him. I just know it.

So if you’re ever in DC again look me up. We’ll go clubbing VIP you know. We do it big. I’m kind of a big deal over here (on my couch). Bring Jay-Z, or whatever you like to call him.

Maybe you could go down to the marina, find someone who owns a yacht, and bring him too. For me. Make sure he’s single though, b/c this one would be for keeps. Oh, and white, if you can manage. If not that’s cool. I’m equal opportunity. No that’s not true. But I’ll be a good sport about it.

If you’d rather me come to LA that works too. Call my secretary she’ll give you my available dates. Non-stop and first class are my conditions (I know, we’re so alike).

Can’t wait to see you girl! It’s been TOO long. And please… more songs like this…

Na Na Now Diva is a female version of a Hustler. Of a Of a Hustler…

Kisses & Macaroni,

Moi =)

That’s Just Not Gonna Work

Yes, another Russian post.

He texted me 3 times last night. The last text was just my name with an exclamation point after it. Uh, hellllo I’m pretending I’ve already gone to bed it’s not like I can hear you screaming through text message. Geez. I didn’t even know boys still used exclamation points. I thought that was just a girl thing. Hmmm. Interesting.

So I texted him this afternoon and told him I didn’t think I had plans after work (no mention of coffee). He texted back and said great what time do you get off work. I said 6 or 6:30. He has a test at 7 so he wants to meet around 8 in Arlington (not too far from where I live). So… he’s still in school. That’s minus 15 points buddy.

Then he aim’ed me b/c I hadn’t responded yet (I like to wait). But luckily no chatting was involved b/c he just said hi and then, I gtg text me. So I did, 45 minutes later and asked him where in Arlington he wanted to meet. Ready for this?

“doesn’t matter just call me when you get there. If I get out early I’ll let you know.”

Hold up. I’m supposed to just drive to Arlington and like, wait? No I don’t think so. Where the fuck am I gonna wait? In my car?!? No, that is not ok.

I’ll meet you at a bar, I’ll meet you at a… um… different kind of place that serves alcohol… but I will not agree to pathetic plans like that. What are we even gonna do? He didn’t even say anything about that. I have no idea. (Obviously I’m hoping it involves alcohol)

Having no idea is one of the things I hate the most. I’m aware that I do this to my friends all the time by making half-ass plans and 1/2 the time not even following through but I do not let guys do that to me.

I’m gonna need an itinerary Russian.

I don’t know anything about this dude except that he’s not a U.S. citizen… minus 5 more points. Oh yeah but +3 points for the possibility of having really cute mixed babies with olive skin and blue eyes. sigh. Maybe that should be +5 and totally negate the citizen thing. They might be worth it.

Hmmmm I haven’t texted him back yet. I haven’t decided what to do. He’s not very tall… minus 8 points. He speaks another language= +5 points… I guess. Russian’s pretty cool, right?

Whatever it’s not like I’m gonna add up all these points when I’m done. I guess it’ll come down to how I’m feeling around 8 o’clock. Maybe I’ll text him and tell him that… but probably not. That doesn’t sound very nice does it?

How Do You Like Them Apples?

10:48 PM. The Russian just texted me back… twice. He wants to get together for coffee after work tomorrow or whenever I’m available. Putting aside the cliche-ness of getting together for coffee, I’d call this complete success. No guy facebook stalks a girl, sends her a message and then texts her back wanting to hang out to talk about one of her friends. (If this happens though I will definitely be blogging about it.) So I guess I’m excited.

I dunno, guys don’t really excite me anymore it’s just not as fun as it used to be. I haven’t even texted him back yet. It’s like no guy is good enough. Isn’t that sad? Like I’m Arphrodite or something (aspiring maybe?). I have got to get famous boy out of my head asap. I’ve done really good and haven’t texted him in over a month but I guess I’ve gotta come to terms with the fact that he’s just not that into me. I haven’t had to deal with that since I was like 15. And all those boys I used to “love” are now mediocre 27 year-olds who would love to date me and are pretty chubby to be honest with you.

But famous boy… he was like, it. Ya know? Fuckin Fuck man. This sucks. It’s so me… (high whiny voice) “But I want the one I cant haaaaaave!!!”

and then my computer crashed

So last night I’m working late trying to get some stuff done for a meeting we had today when BAM! Blue screen. I think “no big deal” I’ve seen the blue screen before. Besides, my horoscope said that January was an excellent month for me in the communications realm, right?

Horoscope be damned, this time the blue screen was a big deal.

IT guy: “I uh, I think your hard drive is toast.”

me: “HAH toast. Wait, What!?”

IT guy: “I mean it’s fried. You cooked it.”

me (fed up with the food analogies): “But you can fix it right? I mean, you’re the computer guy…”

IT guy: “I’ll try but… I mean it’s really not surprising, it is after all just a mechanical device and mechanical devices crash sometimes.”

me: “Yes, Yes it IS surprising. It’s not just any mechanical device, it’s my computer. That laptop is my life.”

IT guy: “Well did you back up your stuff on an external hard drive?”

me: “Of course not, that would be too easy. I trusted my computer and now it goes and stabs me in the back like we never loved at all.”

IT guy: “Right… um well leave it here I’ll try to extract some files for you.”

Dear Computer,

How can you treat me like this after all we’ve been through?! I thought we would be together at least another couple of years and I thought that when you did decide it was time to move on that I would see it coming. I thought I would have a chance to collect my things and say my goodbyes.

Just to up and desert me without any explanation is so cruel. How could you do this to me I depended on you. You were my rock and now you’ve left me with nothing. You even took all our pictures with you. Those really meant something to me and you knew I hadn’t gotten any of them printed yet. I’m just so hurt. The past 3 years of my life I wasted on you and I have nothing to show for it.

I hope you never power up again. In fact, I hope they wipe your memory so you’re nothing but a hollow shell and you have to live like that for the rest of your pathetic computing life, hopefully in a box with other discarded inconsistent mechanical devices in someones attic. We are over! I will never try to turn you on again.

Sincerely,

The only one who ever loved you

The Article That’s Ruining My Life

ADD can suck a big one. Once I finally get to work in the morning and finish eating my breakfast I 1. take my ADD medicine, 2. hear my co-workers start talking about what to eat for lunch (I’m not a morning person) and 3. wait for the meds to kick in.

25 minutes later, the Adderall has definitely kicked in. Unfortunately it never seems to do what it’s supposed to do. It’s supposed to help me focus and work. Well, it does help me focus, just not on work. I find myself focused on anything but work or very focused on the fact that I have a LOT of work to do. But it never actually helps me start, work on or finish any work. This is the most stressful pattern I have ever been in.

I was in Orlando last week for a clients business conference. I was not just there to observe and attend meetings. My assignment was to interview a bunch of people and write an article for the clients magazine. First off, I am not a reporter. That’s not in my job description. My dad (aka the wonderful man with really high expectations who would do anything to see his daughter happy. Happy meaning wildly successful of course) thought that this conference would be a great learning experience for me. A chance to broaden my horizons.

Well Shit balls.

I may have interviewed 4 people total. 2 of these people gave me relevant information for my article. It’s due on Friday…. this is Wednesday. My boss wants to read it tomorrow to start editing. Fuck. I have yet to start writing this God forsaken article. However, I have broken out with an amazing case of zit face from the stress of this stupid stupid article.

I knew this was going to happen. When you go on a business trip to interview people for a magazine article, it’s usually a good idea to bring paper (which I didn’t and had to bum a ride to Walgreen’s at midnight for a notepad).  I wish I could just say Fuck you All I quit! But I can’t, because God (and my dad) know I need this job. God also knows that I need to move out of my parents home, but I don’t see him (or my dad) helping with that.

So my ADD mind thought, “Hey I have an idea, listen up hO! Instead of writing your article, why don’t you blog about it?! How smart am I?!?” Thanks ADD brain, remind me to numb you later with drugs that I tell myself are harmless.

Follow Up on Stupid Ex

After this I will never blog about him again… unless of course he knocks this girl up, which would DEFINITELY be grounds for a blog post; an amazing amazing blog post. But sadly that has not happened yet. I’m sure if it does, me, and  his other 708 “friends” on facebook will be the first to know. Actually we aren’t even “friends”, I haven’t accepted his friend request and I’m not going to. But his profile is public… just more proof of what a dumbass he is.

Stupid friend #1 wrote this on his wall yesterday…

ATTENTION!!!!

MISSING PERSON ALERT!!!

[Stupid Ex]  OF [some city]
21 YR OLD
BROWN HAIR AND EYES
REALLY GAY!!!!

IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS PERSON LET HIS FRIENDS KNOW CUZ THEY HAVEN’T SEEN HIM SINCE HE GOT MARRIED

THANKS

Amazing. Priceless. Thank you stupid friend #1, thank you.

You know you’re lame when you’re always the only guy with his girlfriend out at girls night. Get a life.

And now, I’ll get back to mine.